no eating allowed

so since I get yelled at for everytime I eat, I'm just gonna stop eating at home. but then they notice when I don't eat, and get all concerned. WTF! make up your god damn mind. but I don't fucking care what they say to me, or about me. I'm fucking done. I'm not staying home anymore and if I am home, I'm staying in my room. maybe then they'll feel bad for the things they say. maybe then they'll miss me. I can honestly say I hate where I live.

In other news, I'm finally talking to my long lost father. I've never met him, or my older sister and now I'm talking to them on facebook. He wants me to go to Idaho with them for thanksgiving. ah. thanksgiving. the worst holiday. my close family is used to me not eating. But I can't just refuse food at a strangers thanksgiving. And I don't know if I'm ready to meet that side of the family yet. I'd feel so uncomfortable and out of place.

But I haven't decided what I want to do yet.
wish me luck.
xoxo

xxxxxxx

so I gained like 3629619 pounds over this weekend >.<
grandmothers house.
Halloween.
'nuff said.

so I'm in love,

and I'm letting my guard down.
my boyfriend and I had a very emotional talk last night. we talked for hours, and he broke my heart in so many ways. He told me he feels like I don't care about him or trust him enough to let him in. I never tell anyone what I'm thinking or how I feel and this guy walks into my life and wants me to share everything with him. that's not gonna happen that easily. it's so hard for me to open up to people because I'm afraid they'll turn around and use it against me. I've had that happen way too many times. but he reassured me and promised me and cried over me. The last time he cried was over his dad when he was eight. I never imagined I'd have such an impact on someone. I'm nothing special. I'm just as broken as he is. He says he wants to know everything about me. He promises he'll make me so happy one day, I'll never have to cry again. and I just might believe him. He's made me the happiest I've been in a very long time. I don't even remember the last time I was this happy with my life. I may make some really stupid decisions when I'm with him, but I don't regret a thing. He wears his heart on his sleeve and I only wish I could do that. He doesn't know anything about me. I tell him I don't think my thoughts and feelings are important enough to share. He says he doesn't care. He just wants to hear me talk and wants to listen. We understand each other. I only hope this lasts.

cigarettes and alcohol.

I started smoking again. not the best choice, but if I'm killing my body by starving it, may as well kill it with cancer too. but it's really been helping me stop eating. I don't get cigarettes often though because I have no money, no lighter, and my mom hides her purse. but the new group of kids I've been hanging with are not the best influences. I just hope I don't start rolling with them and all the other shit they do. I drank and got drunk last night. bad. but my parents didn't know. I came home around 11 and crashed in my bed like immediately. I feel like I've been neglecting my old friends though. but they understand.
anyways, I haven't been on a scale in a very long time, but I haven't been eating really anything for the past like 5 or more days. so that's good. maybe these kids aren't bad influences after all. ha.
but I hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo

lazy Sunday.

I've been in bed all day today due to a piercing headache. but it's lovely and raining outside and I've been listening to bright eyes. I have eaten anything but a little this morning. last night was long. homecoming. I looked nice and I'm down a dress size, so I didn't dread shopping like I usually do. I wore 3 inch heels for the first time. I felt so tall and my feet were killing me but I felt pretty in them. it's getting dark and my parents are probably wondering why I haven't left my room today. I'll probably grab some tea and continue to have a cold, and beautiful evening. I hope everyone is just as relaxed as me tonight.
I love you all. xoxo.

Thank youu, fucked up stomach!

I'm so glad my stomach rejects meat, because today would've been a horrible binge. My mother also has a meat problem, when she eats red meat, such as pork or beef, her stomach basically gets rid of it, and mine does the same. It makes me so sick, that I just became a vegetarian. I did this about 8 months ago.
Anyways, today was good. I barely had anything to eat and dance was like always, abs, butt, cardio. I'm still really sore and could barely stretch today. Gah, I really need to work on my calorie counting. That reminds me! I found this website and you can put like any food in it and it tells you all the nutrition facts! It's amazing! I'll post the link at the bottom of this post<3
So, is anyone else as excited as I am for winter to come along? (: I love the cold weather. It brings me less binges for some reason. ALTHOUGH, it is the holiday season :| That means lots of family and food for christmas and thanksgiving and such. But I don't like any of the food at those holidays, so I always just eat macaroni. Pies and cakes and things don't really affect me. I don't like sweets much. Especially chocolate, it makes my throat burn. anyways, here's that site I was talking about <3

calorieconnect.com

xoxo

hearts burst open, wounds bleed fresh.

I've been working out quite a bit recently. And we've begun our audition piece in dance. I really hope I make it. The dance is to the song 'Dancing in the dark' by lady gaga. I love her (: And the dance is fast paced and really works your legs. My thighs are so sore! Have you noticed my fabulously simple new page? I think it's a keeper.
Anyways, I haven't really been able to get on a scale, but my jeans don't liee ;) I'm looking better everyday. But it's never enough. I strive for perfect, but do I really know what perfect is? How will I know when I get there if I'm always wanting more? It's like I'll never be skinny enough in my eyes. Like the mirror adds on 20 pounds and I just feel the need to shed more and more off until it's all gone. Until I'm gone. And that scares me the most. I try not to think that way, but I can't help it. It's always on my mind. I'm always looking for something to fix on myself. I'm just glad I have you guys here with me. It's good to think that someone out there feels the same and is listening to me. You're the ones keeping me alive<3

xoxo

Real name.

I've decided to start using my real name on here. (if you hadn't noticed, I'm morgan.) I don't really know why, I just don't see the harm in it. I may begin to post pictures of myself here once I get my new phone. Which should be within the week. and if I get my ipod back, I'm going to start running on weekend mornings and I'll be on here a lot more often and you'll get more posts from me. So things are going to get much better (: I've also began to get a better relationship with my mother. She and I have been getting along, and let's just hope it stays that way. Now I just need to get over the fear of my step dad and I'll be able to mend my relationship with him.
But anyways, there hasn't been much going on. I've been slacking a little and my grades are beginning to drop. But when I say slacking, I mean laying off my diet. which is bad. And I'm starting to lose focus. buuuuuut! I'm only going to be optimistic and no matter what happens, I'm going to be happy. And hopefully I'll be able to convince myself of that.
So, do any of you watch the show If You Really Knew Me? It's a show on mtv and I think it's like, life changing. It's very inspiring and makes me cry everytime. aha.
So yeah, you should check it out. It's on every tuesday at 11pm. (:
I hope you're all doing well! I'll be reading posts soon!
love you, babydolls<3
xoxo

3 days

For the past three days, I've been doing really well. I've been preoccupied, working out, and barely eating. I'm not really seeing any results yet though :/ I haven't been on the scale in a while, so I can't tell whether I've lost or not. But I'll weigh in soon and let you guys know.
and I haven't been able to read any posts by you guys, so tell me what's been going down since the last time I posted (:
love you guys<3
stay strong, babydolls!

xoxo

Oh I've missed you!

School has gotten the best of me, so my posts will become scarce. I'll try to post short updates as often as possible, but it's hard, guys! :/
update!
We started exercising and stretching in dance. so I'm sore like all the time now! I'll get used to it :p
I also got a "looks like you've lossed weight" comment! I was so proud (:
I need to work harder though. I'm not hungry often enough :p
well I've got to run!
I hope everyone is doing fabulous!
I love you, babydolls!
xoxo

School.

School starts this monday and thank God I'm down a few pounds. I haven't got on the scale in a few days, but I'm looking better in my clothes. That's good enough result for me. But I kinda blew off the whole cracker/pickle thing. But only because I've been with friends for most of the week, and I can't starve them too.
But I got my new schedule yesterday and My electives are Child Development and Dance. I'm taking CD cause I had nothing better to take, to be honest. My school doesn't have any career electives for my job field. And I have no honors or AP classes, thank goodness. I would fail those in a heartbeat. And I have Algebra II first period. yay. Way to put stress on me right in the beginning of the day. But I have dance last, so that's a good thing.
I don't really know why I'm sharing this with you. Nothing better to post about I guess? Well I hope you all have a beautiful day<3

xoxo

new approach

i've decided to only eat pickles and crackers for the next 10 or more days. i also have this friend that only eats oatmeal, so i tried. ewh. oatmeal is disgusting and makes me feel so fat. but you get full on eating barely any. but i don't like feling that full, so i'm sticking to my cracker and pickle diet.
i'll update my weight every so often throughout the 10 days.
love you!
xoxo

it's fucking hilarious

how ONE day can fuck everything up.
one pound down though.
My daddy bought a scale :)

My life is crazy.

Okay. a LOT is going on right now.
Basics:
Broke up with new boyfriend because ex boyfriend (not the one with the pictures) wanted me back. Ex boyfriend (with the pictures) got a new girlfriend and wouldn't tel me who. whatever. don't care. His new girlfriend starts texting me and is like I'm not dating him. I don't know what he's talking about, He's lying, and he's like, I'm not lying, she just doesn't want you to know we're together. blahblahblah. I wouldn't have a problem with this if she wasn't lying. She was my friend and he liked her before me, and we're not really that close, so it's whatever. BUT, he's telling her I'm talking all this shit about her, when I'm not, so I tell her about the blackmail with the pictures thing. She seems upset to me, but he tells me she didn't care and whatever. then I tell him that she's bulimic and he's like yeah I know. I don't care. WTF??? I told him about my eating disorder and he flipped a bitch. He was like, I'm not going to try to change people anymore. UHHHHH. you couldn't have realized this like eight fucking months ago?? but whatever. I'm over it. I'm done with all their lies and drama. I don't care if she's lying. She's fat anyways.

But more about my boyfriend situation. A few days after I got with my boyfriend, let's call him joe, my ex, ex boyfriend, let's call him adam, messages me and says he still loves me, and he wants me back blahblah. And it had been almost a year since we had broken up. and I still really care about him and we hung out today. AND I didn't really think me and joe were going anywhere. He does a lot of drugs and I rarely see him, so I'm not into that. So now me and adam are back together and I'm pretty happy about that. OH. and he's like major thinspo for me. He's like a twig and waaay tinier than me. I can't let that stay. I want to be smaller than him, so I'm working extra hard to shed my fat.

Intake today:
1 cup of mac&cheese
1 popsicle

and I'm pretty sure that's it. except a couple pices of gum and some tea.
sorry about the shitty cal. report again :p

xoxo

thinspo time!

update

Today I haven't had much. I almost binge a few times, but I took a bite and threw it away. I can't let myself go into the blue. My life hasn't been to exciting, but I'm happy. And once I'm smaller, I'll be happier. I have a new boyfriend, who I will NOT tell about this. I screwed up last time on that, I'm not doing it again. He won't think much when I don't eat around him. He works, so we don't see each other during the day, anyways.
But anyways, I don't exactly remember all that I've had today, But I haven't had a full on like meal. it's all been crackers and stuff. So today is good. My tummy is empty, I'm in a good mood, and nothing can put me down.
Hopefully this good mood will last. If it doesn't, I'm going to be right back to where I started. And no one wants that.

Intake:
8 crackers
2 pickled okras (5 cals for both)
1 popsicle
and that's all I remember :p
sorry about the sucky cal. estimation but that's the jist of my day. not bad, eh?

xoxo

whew!

that was close! I finally got my ex to calm done and convinced him to not send the photos. Thank God! that would've ruined me! He said he'd delete them eventually, but still. It makes me uneasy.

Anyways, I went clothing shopping today. My god was that a downer. I hate trying on jeans. It seems like everytime I go, the size is a bigger number. Hopefully I can shed down to a size one or zero in a few weeks.

oh well. :/
Hope you guys are doing better than I am.<3

xoxo

Help!

Guys, you have no idea how much trouble I'm in. My ex boyfriend is crazy and is threatening to send all the dirty photos of me to a bunch of people. I don't know what to do and I don't think I can stop him :( I really really hope he doesn't...oh my god, what am I going to do? :(

Life.

Family is gone.
heart is in pieces.
no more bestfriend.
Lost all control.
What's new with you guys?

Bleh.

Today was okay, I guess. Better than a bad day. Really boring though. And my family is coming into town tomorrow. That means lots of meals -_-
But I'll lie my way through it. And lady gaga has been my getaway lately. I also have some knew "love" interests. I feel like I have a whole new life.
OH! I also began my walls. I have almost three walls covered with thinspo in my room (:
it's the second time I've done it. the last time sucked though. it looks good now (:
And any thoughts on my new header picture? I don't really like it, so send me picture similar to it? I'm sure you know my style by now (:
Today I didn't keep track of what I ate like I said I would, but I probably wouldn't post it here anyway. I'd make a fool of myself.

In other news, I've been much more confident. Well, today :p I always have my good days, and my bad days. Good days, when I'm "in the white" I'm comfortable, confident, everything is under control. Bad days, when I'm "in the blue" I feel shitty, I'm self-conscious, and I eat. You'd think on my blue days, I'd rather stick a pin in my eye than eat. But luckily these blue days are rare. But contrary wise, They can last for weeks. So it's more like a blue week, but out of two months.
Just a day in the life, I guess.

But about this weekend..oh, and sorry if I seem all over the place. My mind is quite scattered. This weekend I am not looking forward to at all. My cousin is coming to stay. I hate her. Really, I do. She's a slut, to put it mildly. Anyways, she's coming along with my grandparents. This means we'll probably eat out. Usually olive garden, but luckily their minestrone soup is only 100 calories. As long as I steer clear of the breadsticks (160 each!), I'll be fine. Hopefully I can find things to do to fill my time and see as little of my cousin as possible. She really does make my life a living hell. Even my mother hates her.

But anyways, I'm almost completely back on track, just a few more positive days and I'll be back on my feet. And thank you guys so much for your words (: I hope to get more. Keep posting your thinspo! Love you, babydolls!

xoxo kay

Things are not easy for me right now. Everything is falling apart. I'm losing myself. I'm losing my life. I hate what I see, don't do anything about it. I eat. Don't gain weight, but don't lose it either. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm in some serious need of thinspo right now, babydolls. I need you guys to help me out. I need as much love and support as I can get.
I want you to post your favorite thinspiration quotes, pictures, poems, lyrics, your own words, anything.
Please please please post your comments. give me my strong will to go on back.
I love you!

xoxo

Thanks for the support, bitch.

One little comment and it can completely change my mood. My whole day can be ruined because that one little comment keeps coming back and circulating in my brain.
I may say I don't care what people think or what they say, but in reality it's all I can think about. All you stupid fat bitches can kiss my sweet ass.
Now I remember why I hate girls so much.
I'm pretty sure this blog is over.
You can stop wasting your time on my existence.

xoxo

sorry!

Sorry I haven't been on recently. Just busy.
Things aren't going so great, though.
I'm really trying to figure myself out right now.
Trying to figure out what I want out of life.
But I'll try my hardest to stay up to date and keep you updated!
Love you guys so much!
Stay strong!
xoxo

Home, Sweet Home.

I'm going back to my home of Las Vegas today and I couldn't be more thrilled! Today is my restart day. I don't care what happens, or what people think, I'm not eating. at all. I'll probably go a a 48 hour fast, if I can manage. If not, then I'll stay under 500-400cals. I'm leaving for the five hour trip in about an hour, and until about noon, I'll have no way of eating. And at home I'll be busy cleaning, unpacking, and dyeing my hair. Home is gonna do me good :)

xoxo

Just fucking fabulous!

you can add another 210 calories to my already tremendous 828!!!! Mom went to McDonald's and got me a strawberry banana smoothie (small) and I sucked it down like my life depended on it!

what the hell is my problem??
I did unthinking, too. I was like, oh! smoothie!
sluuurp.
FATFATFAT.
and my stupid "e" button is sticking on the damn keyboard! UGH!

xoxo

Day one.

Today went well, for the most part. I had 828 calories total. Better than usual. We had an unexpected trip to Olive Garden and I had a few too many breadsticks. Hopefully the night doesn't bring on any sweets.

Food Log
Breakfast:
1 slice sourdough bread: 110cals.
1 cup of water: 0cals.

Lunch:
Turkey sandwhich: 168 cals.
mustard: 0cals.
bread: 110cals.
turkey: 55cals.
pickles: 3cals.

Dinner:
Minestroni Soup: 100cals.
3 Breadsticks: 450cals. (damn!!)

Tottal: 828cals.

I would've done so good if I didn't have those stupid breadsticks!

xoxo

The Spine Song.

And you're down for the count,
You are dancing with men going 'round and around.
And you're scared and you're sure
That your spine will dissolve,
You will fall to the floor.
You will take what you need
And the headaches will come,
But at least you can breathe.
There's the smoke, fills your lungs
We will wait for the day
We'll rejoice when it comes.

On your birthday you woke up,
The snow was on the ground
You opened books and peeked inside,
They kissed you on your crown.

With pins in your fingers,
You held yourself up high.
The picture peeled the person,
They let themselves divide.

You arrive at the place
It is not what you want,
but it is what you chase.
So you don't have to hold
All of the candles that burn on their own.
You will steal all the smells
That cut through your nose
And excite all your cells.
When it's time to escape,
You realize you've waited until it's too late.

But your birthday inflated
The bones with which you creep.
They stole your shoes and brought you to
The caverns of their teeth.
You pleaded, "Oh kind sir,
Please let me say goodbye."
Your soul ripped from your stomach,
You gave an awful cry.

And when I have died,
Will you use my spine
To swing from tree to tree in search of
Places pleasing to the eye?

I said, "I'm sorry, dear."
But you don't listen.
You silly little girl.

Easy as ABC

i'm starting the ABC diet again with my friend tayler :) It'll be easy for me. He's a first timer though. BUT! I did not encourage. He made the decision on his own. I made it very clear that I'm against anyone being a self-starver. It fucks with your mind.

anyways, I'll replace my goals with the ana boot camp chizz since I can't seem to cross any of those off the list.

love you, babydolls!

xoxo

ohh my.

This is my friend, Meg.


I wish I looked like her. She's tiny and doesn't even really work for it.
But she runs and swims for hours and hours every day.
I'm going to start running in the evening as soon as I get home.
I need to be smaller before school starts up again.
I'm also dying my hair black, not blonde.

Anyways, I'm happy being single. But I'm still not doing my best. Family being around 24/7, people start to notice that you're turning down every meal and not eating throughout the day. I don't eat breakfast or lunch, but dinner and snacks in between are eaten. Hopefully my busy schedule will keep me from eating when I go home. I'm going home on monday, by the way. Early morning. 5 hours in a car. Not looking forward. But my mom doesn't stop for food on road trips like my dad does, so it's not too bad.
Ugh. wish me luck.

xoxo

it's over.

So me and boyfriend are officially over. There's no going back now. And honestly, I have great relief. We're still going to be close with each other and now I'll be able to completely self starve. There's no excuses anymore. If I fuck up, it's my own fault. I can't blame others anymore. I'm taking control.

xoxo

soo.

Me and boyfriend are taking a break. I need time to myself. Time to think, get things straight, get everything back on track. I think this break will make things a lot better for me and he promised to let me watch my calories. So I'm happy with things right now, even though he's not thrilled with the idea of a break because there's a possibility that I won't get back with him. But this is all for the best.

Anyways, has anyone been watching the show Huge on abc fam? It's about like these people in a fat camp. i love it. It makes me feel good about myself. Makes me not want food. And it's on tonight. I missed the second episode :/ anyone happen to catch it?

And I've been doing aquatic exercises. 22 minutes of certain workouts in the pool burns almost 300 cals. :) I also haven't eaten much today (: Or last night. I've been a good girl. It's about time. I always feel much better when I don' eat. Eating gives me horrible stomach pains and guilt. I'd rather have hunger pains. I can deal with that.

I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't really had the chance to read everyone's posts, but I'm doing my best!
love you, babydolls!

xoxo

party party party. food food food.

All these birthdays are ruining my restriction. I'm expected to eat around my family. Luckily, they don't say much if I don't eat much. So I had a little pasta salad and a veggie burger. Not too bad, I guess. I'd have liked it to be less , though. I really need to get my groove back. It's like a never ending cycle of lose weight, binge, lose weight, binge. And that little tiny binge fucks everything up!
I hate you, food. I truly hate you.

And I've been so damn bored, I've gone out of my mind and filling up time by eating. UGH. I resisted cake though :) I'm very proud. Although, I never really have liked cake. Or sweets. So it's not that hard. While everyone stuffs their belly's fat, I starve mine thin.

Anyways, I'm going home next weekend and I'd like to be a lot thinner before I go home. I have about a week. I feel stupid though, because I'M the own holding myself back from being skinny. It doesn't make sense. I want it so badly, yet the only thing standing in my way, is me.
God, I'm tired of these wars in my head.
I just want to be happy...and thin :)

xoxo

let's start today on the right foot.

I have been avoiding the kitchen this morning because most of my binges are in the morning. I don't know why, but I can eat like 10 pounds of food in the morning. So today I'm not leaving this room until 1pm. Then I won' be as hungry, and won't binge. I'm still not quite comfortable in my bikini. I have a ways to go.
And it's killing me not having a scale. I have no idea what I'm at, I can't see if I've reached goals. I have no way of making progress, basically. Maybe I'll buy my own. Without my parents knowing. They'd think something was wrong..
But I might be going to see my old friends in my home town today. I'm excited (: and pretty proud of myself for talking her out of going to lunch.

Anyways, no morning binge today. it's already noon, so I'm in the clear. I rarely binge in the afternoon, or at night. Well I had a night binge yesterday because me and boyfriend almost broke up. I was the one doing the breaking up and I still was depressed. But we're good today. For now. I told him if the fighting between us doesn't decrease, then we're done. I can't handle all the fighting. It's stressful.
Hopefully I don't have to do anything that hurts him. But I feel like we're going nowhere.

But anyways, I hope everyone has a beautiful day<3
stay strong!

xoxo

yay new thinspo :D

Oh, don't you love moms?

My mother is such a fucking flake! UGH.
I hate her. HATE her.
and I'm almost 100% certain she hates me too. always has.
FUCK HER.
d;;gfadlksjf$uweribjlksd*&@bnvkd!!

asdfghjkl;

uggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
This is going terribly! First thing that happens when I get here, my mom takes me food shopping and she makes me get a shit load of fatass foods. I've been at my aunts house for the whole week and I've been bored out of my mind! Eating and watching movies ALL FUCKING DAY.
My mother is picking me up today. I'm alone right now, babysitting my baby cousin. I'm so happy that I'll be leaving here and going back to my grandmother's house. It'll be 10x easier restricting there.
I watched the movie "The best little girl in the world" and it was good. Not exactly thinspo material, but it was okay for the most part. It mainly showed the bads of ana. I want to read the book, so I'm saving up money to buy a bunch of books on amazon. Examples: Thin, Purge, Secong Star to the Right, and a bunch more.
Any reccomendations? :)

I was also thinking about dying my hair blonde. Well, bleaching it. I wish you knew what I looked like so I could ask your opinion. But I have light brown hair with blonde highlights (natural). And if I don't like it I can just dye it black again. I've dyed my hair like a million times and more. Red, purple, black, dark brown, pink, and now I want blonde. I was also thinking of doing the underneath black.
Buuuuut anyways, tomorrow is my restart point. I'll be good, I promise :)

OH, and I'm not prego, btw. I'm very happy to say I got my period like last week or something. It was late, but I think it's because of ana.

I love you guys!
stay strong, starve on!
xoxo

update 6.26.10

so today I've had:
yogurt: 90 cals.
small slice of pizza: ??
Even without knowing the cals. of the pizza, I still feel pretty good about today. And I didn't plan on eating the pizza, but you know how things go.
But i don't plan on eating much else :)

Today is feeling pretty good. Hopefully I can keep things going in Cali.

xoxo

california, here i come.

So to add on to the no-posting, I'm going to California bright and early tomorrow morning. I'll be there for about a week, maybe more. Let's hope not more. It'll be easy not eating there though because I have real life reverse thinspo. (my cousin is quite a cow) And my grandmother has a pool and I need to look fabulous in a bikini. Not for my grandmother, of course, but for me. I realized that I don't want to look good to impress anyone, or prove anything to anyone. Or to even look good for anyone. I want to look good standing in front of the mirror. In front of myself. I want to feel confident every single time I walk out the door. Every time I see a reflection. I don't want confidence only sometimes, but every single day. And I need to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't care what others think. Well, that's a lie, but I care more about what I think.

Anyways, I got way off topic. I'm going away for a week or more and I won't be able to post at all :( I'm very sad to say goodbye to the blog and to all you beatiful people, but I have to.
This time away should do me some good and I'll come back stronger than ever.
Don't go anywhere, babydolls<3
Stay strong while I'm gone. I'll reply to any emails before I leave and maybe while I'm there. If I'm lucky, I'll get in a post or two over the week, but there are no garuntees. I love you!

xoxo

Hey guys

Still no test results :( I need money!! I saw a pregnancy test yesterday for $40! Ugh. And on top of that, I've been with my boyfriend like all day everyday. Which isn't too bad, but a girl needs to restrict once in a while! We went out for dinner last night and it was some fancy shmancy place. And it was free. So I couldn't just be like, no thanks. And there was three courses! What has the world come too? A fatass, that's what. But I'm fasting as best as I can today. But I can't make this post too long. I'm in my boyfriends bathroom with his phone. And he might get suspicious and wake up. But wish me luck girlies. I need it more than you know.

xoxo

Blehhh

I feel so out of the loop.
Sorry I ran away from the blog without much explanation.
I've had little to no access to the Internet on my own time and I have to sneak onto my boyfriends computer to get in a post every now and then. I still have like no access so this will be one of the very few posts I'll have on a while. I've been doing good on my own though.
Tell me, how is everyone doing?
I haven't had any time to read updates /:
I'm sorry dears!
Everything will be back to normal soon.
Stay strong!
And don't leave me! ;)
love you, babydolls.
Email me <3

xoxo

I won't be posting for a while.
Sorry guys!
Love you!
xoxo

Okay.

So I've put a lot out on the table in the last like two days? Whatever. I might be pregnant. That's one thing. I'm taking a pregnancy test this weekend and I pray it's negative!
Another thing is revealing my myspace/facebook. Some of you say do it some say don't. SO if you would like my accounts, I will send links to you personally. In a message. Or something. How ever that works. So comment this post if you want my info. I'll send it to you. And that's that.

Now to update, I guess.
There's been a lot on my mind, so I don't even know what day it is. So bare with me here.
Yesterday, I believe was Wednesday. So today I'm supposed to do a fast. Yeah. That ain't happening. I'm going to boyfriends today. I'll just stay under like 800 cals today. Shouldn't be too hard. Yesterday I also believe did not go as planned because, who wouldve guessed, I was at boyfriends house! So i assume you all can guess where the eating happens. And don't go thinking that I want to eat there or ask him to cook, if I don't eat there, he forces me. Like no joke. And it's even worse that he knows about my eating problem so he suspects every time I say I don't want to eat.

Oh, I also searches up reasons for a missed or late period, and two of the reasons were stress and sudden weight loss. Sooo maybe, hopefully, that's the reason.

But I'll update a little later and tell you my intake today and all that good stuff.

xoxo

Oh shit.

Guys, I might be pregnant :(

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

What am I gonna do???

Great news!

I'm back at my own house with my step dad! This is great news because now it'll basically be like I'm living alone. I'll never have to eat :) This will be the ultimate test of control, though. I will have to stay at boyfriends for a few hours on some days because my parents don't trust me at all. I don't blame them though. I have a pretty rocky past.

Anyways, I'm very excited to be back home. Me and "bestfriend" weren't getting along so well. I was just very uncomfortable with being there, so I was estatic when my mom said I was going home.

Hopefully I can stay in control and lose tons of weight and finally be happy :)

Wish me luck, babydolls!

xoxo

My identity

I'm posting a little earlier than said previously, but because I've been thinking. I was wondering if anyone would like to know who I really am. To go unanonymous. Reveal pictures, information. Basically, give you access to my facebook/myspace. I'm kind of reluctant because most of you followers probably don't really even care about what I look like or who I am. If I did give access to my social network accounts, you'd have to keep the talk of ana private. I have friends and family on those accounts that don't need to know about this. But, if you're interested in seeing who I am, post a comment and let me know. If, not, don't post. Or post. I don't really care. Ha.
So yeah, Reveal identity or no?

xoxo

Today

Today is much much much much much MUCH better than yesterday. I went to boyfriend's house and we went out to eat for his birthday. Twice. Lunch and Dinner. But Today I am much more motivated. I had somewhat of an epiphany last night. We went walking around Planet Holloywood (the hotel/casino)
oh, wait! Have I told you that I live in Las Vegas? Probably not. Well, I do hah.
Anyways, we went to some clothes shops and I saw tiny clothes and tiny manequines and tiny girls, so I thought to myself, I'm done. I'm done being weak. I'm done with this body. I'm tired of being a skinny girl trapped in fat. I want so badly to be skinny, and of all things, I am holding myself back from that. Boyfriend always tells me that if I get too skinny, he'll break up with me. I don't know if I believe him or not. But being confident with myself would make me so much happier than any relationship ever could.

I've only had a taste of skinny, and boy do I want the whole bowl. That's sort of ironic considering I'm not eating a bowl of anything to get the "bowl of skinny." I will be happy. I don't know why I continue to hold myself back from my own happiness. You'd think I'd want this for myself. Which I do, but part of me doesn't care. God, I'm confusing as hell.

Let's put it plainly: I want to be skinny. End of story.
Today I had a small bowl of cereal to hold me off for the day. Probably around 130-150 cals. Not too bad, I guess. I'll just have water for the rest of the day. Until dinner. Hopefully I can get out of it. Since I've been staying with my best friend (parents are out of town), it's been easy to eat small dinner. They're big meat eaters and I'm vegetarian, so I basically have a salad every night. Although, my family doesn't even do family dinners, so it's easier not to eat dinner at all at my own house. But, I'll update how I did today after dinner. See you soon.

xoxo

I wish

I wish I could let people in. I wish I could share my feelings and more with the world. I want so badly to say how I really feel when I'm upset, but I can't. My heart and mind will not let me. .They say, you've been hurt too many times. Don't let it happen again.

Why can't I just say, Hey, this is how I feel when you do this. WHY? It's like my entire body shuts down and blocks out everything when someone asks is everything okay? Or, what's wrong? Those words are like poison to my ears and they slowly seep into my heart, pumps through my vains, to my brain and everything just quits on me.

I've been this way for as long as I can remember. When I cry, I can't even speak. When I'm angry, I know exactly what I want to say, but I never say it. My feelings are pushed down, and pushed down and tucked away forever and no one will ever know the truth.

Some day I'll be able to let people in. Some day I won't be so scared. Some day I'll let my voice be heard. But today, my emotions are once again put away in a deep dark corner of my mind and forgotten the very next day.

There is no way of telling if I'll ever actually be able to let people in. If I'll stop being paranoid. If I'll trust another ever again. But I can only hope for a brighter day.

xoxo

Fast

Well yesterday didn't go as planned. So today is a fasting day. If anyone would like to accompany me, we can keep contact at my email:

kaysize0@hotmail.com

That's all for now. I'll post at the end of the fast. It'll probably be a 24 hour. I don't know yet. Maybe a 35.

xoxo

Situational issues

So yesterday was horrible, so I'm not even going to update about it. It was bad. really bad. let's just leave it at that.

But today, this morning was like a mini binge, but hopefully I'll be able to avoid food the rest of the day. I'm not really that hungry, so I should be fine.

But I need to explain my situation. It's not bad, but I'd be in a lot of trouble if I told my boyfriend about this.
I went over to bestfriends house and we did hookah, whatever no problem there. But then we proceeded to get on chat roulette. If you're not familiar with this site, it's a site where you are randomly connected with a stranger. And it requires a webcam. We were chatting with a kid, and my friend, let's call him Z, sort of was all over me and my friend. He would lift our shirts and things in front of the cam and I was uncomfortable with it, but no matter what I did, he would not leave us alone. Then he'd try to cuddle with us in bed and it was awkward and I didn't really know how to approach the situation.
I should probably tell you that I've hooked up with this kid before, when I was single.
I'm not going to tell boyfriend about any of this, but I feel like I'm lying if I don't. Although, it's not necessarily lying if he doesn't ask. But I really don't know what to do. If boyfriend finds out about Z, we're done. I never really promoted any activities with Z or kissed him, but I still feel dirty.
ugh. I knew something like this would happen.

xoxo

And I thought I could do it.

Fast and restriction was failed today. BUT! I finally got a chance to weigh myself and guess what?

I lost 7 pounds!
I'm 130lbs at the moment and I'm pretty damn proud of that. I actually didn't believe it at first. I thought the scale might be broken. Nope :) I'm actually 7lbs lighter and it feels great!

But I'm not going to post my intake today because I honestly don't even know what exactly I ate today. That's pretty ridiculous. But I don't even care right now. I lost weight! Now maybe since I saw the numbers drop, I'll find my strength again. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of me actually doing it.

Anyways, I'll restrict to like 400 cals. tomorrow.
Actually, I think I'm going to start the ABCD diet instead. It's a lot stricter and maybe it'll put me in check. And get me into a habbit.

Tomorrow I'll be at the bestfriend's, so hopefully it will be easy to avoid food. We're supposed to smoke Hookah. I've done it before, so whatever, I just hope it doesn't turn into drinking. That could go downhill fast.

OH! Do you like my new layout and what not? I was playing with the new designer and decided to spice up my blog. hah.
But anyways, I hope everyone has a fabulous day tomorrow!
Stay strong, babydolls!

xoxo

Yeah.

I'm fasting today. End of story.
Fuck the diet.

UGGGGGH.

Well, day at boyfriends SUCKED ASS. I'm so disappointed in myself. WHY the hell do I say "I'm hungry." ???? That's just like saying FUCK YOU, body, I'm gonna do what I want! uhh. yeah, thanks. Now I've screwed us both over.

At least I got like an hour of cardio by walking there. Probably didn't burn enough calories. UGGH. I'm an idiot. FUCKING RETARDED. blaaah.

Hopefully, I'm not doing anything tomorrow, so I can just sit in my room all damn day. And I seriously don't understand why I eat, it makes me feel sooo horrible.
bleh. whatever.

Intake:
2 small pieces of french bread
1 cookie
1 macaroni cup
1 bowl of steamed rice w/ soy sauce
Tater tots

I don't even want to know the calories in all of that...

xoxo

thinspo

xoxo

Good Morning

I have to post early today because I'm going to my boyfriends house today. You know how that goes. But I'm walking there so that'll be some good cardio. (He lives like 5 miles away) Maybe not 5, but it seems like it. Usually I can get out of eating if I just say, "no I'm not hungry." But if he's hungry, and he cooks, I will end up eating. hopefully not a lot.

Oh! today is day one of my 2468 diet. but, Twigs, do you think the ABC diet is better? I've also tried that diet before, but it was hard for me to follow and remember what day I was on. I assumed 2468 is easier.

Anyways, I was thinking of that low calorie snack or breakfast food I could eat everyday (except on fasting days). The yoplait yogurts that are the weird dessert flavors, the commercials talk about how they're under 100 cals each. I wish I lived on my own. Then I could buy whatever foods I wanted, and it'd be much easier to restrict. My fridge would be empty.

So for an update about last night:
Dinner:
small salad with Italian dressing
two small pieces of bread
8fl.oz. of water
45 minutes of cardio

If anyone would like to tally up some estimated calories for that meal, be my guest.

Well, I hope everyone has a fabulous day!

xoxo

new diet

So I've decided that I'm not going to eat any junk, meat, and if I don't know how many calories it is, I'm not eating it. So basically before I eat, I have to ask myself three questions before eating. And I may do either ABCD (Ana boot camp diet) or the 2468 diet. I think 2468 will be a lot easier to follow and remember. I'll also do a fast at the end of each set. so it'll be
Day one- 200cals
Day two- 400cals
Day three- 600cals
Day four- 800cals
Day five- fast

ugh. doesn't 800 calories sound like a lot? I might skip that day. That's way too many calories for my taste.
I'll probably just do this for a few weeks, or one week, see how it goes. If it doesn't work, I'll come up with something. I've tried this "diet" before, but never followed through. Now that I have a calorie counter and a plan, it should go a whole lot better.

I'm in for the night. night babydolls!
xoxo

true life link

I found the true life I'm on a diet link!
it's not on YouTube, and it's the full episode, but better than nothing :)
http://www.mtv.com/videos/true-life-im-on-a-diet/1581320/playlist.jhtml
I hope you have flash player. hah.
xoxo

"you take the pain to get the pleasure"

True Life-I'm on a diet
A wrestler trying to lose weight would starve and purge to maintain his low weight class.
He said, "You just have to take the pain to get the pleasure." I love this quote. To get your 'pleasure', in this case thin, you have to deal with the hunger pains. I was thinking about eating before watching and it gave me instant thinspo. I realized that maybe if I just read and watched thinspiring things, I would never eat! Wouldn't that be fabulous? Hell yes.
xoxo

bright summers day.

Sitting here on my best friends couch, I'm planning out my day. I just had a granola bar, 100cals., and I'm thinking about having tea.
We're going to be sitting by the pool today, so things should go well. I'm not sure whether I want to do liquids today, or a fast. I'll contemplate this for a while before making a decision. ha, as if it were life or death. There's not much of a difference there.

Anyways, it's quite hot out, I can feel the heat radiating from the walls onto my skin. Hopefully this won't be much of a problem. I would like not to be a hot dizzy mess while sun bathing. But today feels good.
Maybe I can get some exercise in the pool.

That's another thing, I don't get much exercise. I need to find something I can do at home. it's way to hot to run here, even in the evening. Anyone have any good cardio exercises I can do in my home?

Hope everyone has a lovely day!
xoxo

Thinking habbits

I've been reading all these other Pro-ana blogs and they're making me feel pretty shitty about my horribly failed attempts at skinny. Then again, it's also getting me in motion. Today should go well. I don't really have much of an appetite, and that's a good sign. If I'm not hungry in the morning, I won't be hungry pretty much all day. But I need to get some sort of low-calorie snack that I get eat to just get me through the day. I can deal with the rest. I've also been thinking really hard about introducing mia into my life. But I just don't know if I have the guts. It would help, I suppose, and I'm hoping that by purging, I'll get rid of the dreadful feeling of guilt after eating. But what if I don't get rid of all of it? I won't feel satisfied. What if it becomes more of a problem then I can handle? What if my boyfriend finds out? What if I can't hide it from anyone? I'm so tired of all the what ifs running through my head all day long. I feel like there's no way to escape from anything. I have no escape at all. If the outside world stresses me, I can't go to my mind for comfort, it'll just stress me out more. Everything that goes through my head is a worry. And now that I've seen success of others, I'm worrying about my own success. What if I never succeed at skinny? There's those damn what ifs again. If only you could see inside my head and see what I think day in and day out. If only anyone knew what it was like. Maybe if my boyfriend knew what it was like to think like me, he would be a little more sympathetic. There's only one boy I ever knew that understood me, to an extent. And he went and broke my heart. But, that's all the past now. No need to grieve on it. And sorry if I bored you with a rant about things you probably don't care about. I just like the thought of people listening to me.
xoxo

it's my party

Apparently, I think just because it's my birthday, I can eat whatever. I had a veggie burger and fries at in and out and then a veggie pizza. and I still have a bag of candy. is that a lot? probably. and even if not, it's too much for me. just one bite of something, and I feel like I failed the whole day. maybe i'm just crazy. yeah, I think so. But in other news, I got a lot of cute new clothes and that's enough motivation to get me going. I want to look my best (: and I was talking to one of my friends earlier and she's Mia, but was telling me that losing even 10 pounds was too much. uhmm? aren't you supposed to be supporting me and helping me along, and not trying to put me down? AND the fact that she is going through the same thing and telling ME that I need to get help. eff? whatever. she was never a close friend or anything, I just thought it was odd. Anyways, I may be going to another party tomorrow. Did I tell you about the last party? eh. oh well. anyways, if we are going to that party, that keeps me away from Kyle. I don't necessarily want to be away, but he feeds me too much. If I want to not feed MY body, I should be able to. Its my body! And he always says how I hurt him so much when I fast and I don't understand why? But whatever. The party will be good for my so-called "fast."
xoxo

not myself tonight

So I thought today was going to be great. HA! I was sooo wrong. I wasn't successful on fasting, I was successful on low calories, but that's not satisfaction enough. I need to follow completely through with my plans. ugh. And tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I have like no plans and it's making me like depressed. I'm just not doing well. I don't know why I've been so out-of-whack lately, but I need to get my shit together. I'm so disappointed in myself, and even people around me. My life just sucks to me right now, and it doesn't. Well it shouldn't suck to me. I don't even know what to do anymore. I need to just sit and gather my thoughts. Tomorrow I hope I'll be good. I don't want to disappoint me, or Ana, anymore. FML.
xoxo

My Mother

Today my mother leaves for California. And while I'm stuck here, she'll be having no problem resisting food. I have never told you this, but I believe my mother has some sort of eating problem. Maybe not purposely done, but she barely eats. I envy her. I wish I had her strength. She eats bread, coke, and salad. And she smokes. I never really noticed until a few weeks ago, but she ha the tiniest legs I've seen. She plays a big part in my thinspiration. If I had a photo of her, I would post it. But anyways, today I'm fasting. I'll probably eat some breakfast and start a 24 hour fast at like 11am or 12pm. I'll just drink water all day. I might take up smoking, but I made my boyfriend quit, so that'd be kind of hypocritical. I also thought about bringing Mia into my life, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that. I have an irrational fear of throwing up, so Mia wouldn't be much of a friend. I'll probably update my progress a little later today. And again when the fast is over. I might mak it a 10 day fast. It depends on how today goes.
xoxo

my dearest, Ana.

Time to go hungry.
It gives me great joy,
Pleasure and satisfaction

To fight against
My hunger pangs,
Gives me pride

Feeling of sheer terror
To see me in the mirror
I could be so fat

Every pound I lose
Helps me on the course
To my sheer perfection.

bones

I can't wait to see my pretty bones. I can't wait to be thin enough to fit into my size one jeans. But if I don't have the control, I don't deserve any of that. My California trip has been cancelled and now it's going to be a lot harder to resist. I know I can do it. I've done it before. resist. control. It's all about controlling my mind, not my stomach. My stomach doesn't want the food, my mind does. Food is not my friend, and I need to convince myself of that. My relationship that I have with food needs to be completely deminished. I want to see my pretty bones.

day uno

Today is the official restart of my fast. I was doing so well too /: but after Kyle found my blog again, it all went downhill. But I won't be seeing him for the next week or so. and I bought a new bathing suit for this summer, and I need to look as best as I can in it. today I'll hang around my friends house, and she has like no appetizing foods, go home and pack and do laundry, and probably go to bed, but it depends on what time it is by then. anyways, I said I would post new thinspo, so enjoy:

UGH.

STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!
if you don't like the choices I make or how I deal with problems, then GET OUT of my life! stop trying to fix me! it's not going to work ! ugggggggggh.

sorry. I'm a little frustrated.
but I'm going to california for a week. finally I'll be away for a while to do this right. I can't be thin when I live with Kyle. he feeds me nonstop. I have a party to go to tonight, then I'm home the next day, and off to California bright and early. no eating there (:
xoxo

okay. well some of my posts have been deleted. it's because my boyfriend found my blogger app and deleted all the posts saved on there. sooo I have to do a better job at hiding this. no more app. which is fine because this is much easier. but to sum all of my deleted posts together:
I started a juice/water fast with maybe one meal a day. it's been going good for three days, except last night. (when my boyfriend found the posts, he made me eat again.) but I think it won't ruin everything. but I've been much happier since I've started losing flab. but yesterday put me back down into the blue. (the blue is where my mind goes when I'm depressed. the white is when I'm at my best moods) I also posted some thinspo which I'll do again soon. and I posted about the yahoo groups I joined. they help. try it. yahoo.com blood and bones or pro-Ana lifestyle choice. and I recently found this amaaaaaaaazing site, prothinspo.com. it has the largest selection of diets, tips, thinspo, and pretty much anything else you need. but anyways, I hope he doesn't find anymore of my blog. I need this. it keeps me going.
xoxo

day 2: success.
I managed to avoid all eating except for dinner with the family. I had to eat then. but other than that, fasting day two was easier and more successful. I had more self control today than I ever had in my life.
I also think a big help was that I'm trying to prove something to myself and that I can't give up on my inspiration-seekers. I have to stay strong for not only me, but everyone else looking for their thinspiration.
xoxo

day one: semi-successful.
if my boyfriend hadn't of found out about my fasting, it wouldve been successful. I only had one meal and i'm pretty sure it was under 600 cals. so not bad for the first day. I wouldve liked to not eat at all. but he's not going to let that happen. he's getting in the way of what I want. I love him, but god damn.

so my new diet method starts tomorrow. either that or I'm just gonna straight up fast. I'm tired of waiting around on other people to rework my life.
I also was thinking about having a food diary. I've never had one before so I don't really know how it works.
anyways, I'm probably going to do a two week fast. maybe make it a month. but if anyone would like to join, you're welcome to. you can post, anonymously, about each day that we go through.
and I was also thinking of creating a facebook fan page. but I'm still contemplating on how well that would work out.
anywho, love you dolls!
xoxo

I had plans to start fasting on Saturday. of course, that didn't go well. my boyfriends dad came into town and took us out to eat for every meal. I've eaten three times a day for the past three days. and not just lightly eating, but eating so much to the point of puking. I've managed to skip a couple meals, but not enough. luckily, he's leaving tomorrow night. so I still have this whole week to start fasting.
I've never eaten so much in my life. help!

holy. shit.
negative calorie list.
check it.
http://www.cabbage-soup-diet.com/ubb/Forum4/HTML/000298.html

updates since march:
my parents started to notice I was losing weight, and "conveinently" spring break was coming up and they were planning a trip to California. they gave me the choice to stay behind, but once they noticed my "problem" they said I had to go for two weeks so they could monitor my eating. I tried my hardest to make it seem like I had no problem eating with everyone else. but I did still eat a lot less than everyone. I guess then they decided I was healthy and we came back after spring break. so I missed out on my spring break, gained weight, and now I have to start over. isn't that fabulous? no.

so like I said in an earlier post, I was going to come up with a diet of only certain foods. so I came up with a list while I was in California:

pickle products (i.e, DILL pickles, cucumbers, okra, etc.)
steamed rice (in moderation)
diet soda
water
veggies

I am not going to eat any other foods than this. unless it's a 25 cal or less food. then I'll add it. feel free to take this list as your own and change it however you'd like. but remember: low cal foods only! preferably foods you don't like much. that way you'll eat less of it or get bored of eating it.
xoxo

hey guys. sorry sorry sorry I haven't posted in forrrreverr! but I'm in California at the moment and it's been hard for me to find the time to post. But I'm doing well and I'll update all the deets asap! It's been a loooong month, but I'll make it work! Love you! xoxo

I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat. I'm fat.
I'm not losing weight fast enough. I'm going to start running probably tomorrow. and I'm going to create myself a food diet. I'm not sure what foods I'm going to restrict myself to but it'll only be two foods, and water. probably a couple foods that are really low in calories and that I don't like very much. that way I won't want to eat them and when I do, it won't be much. when I decide on my new diet, I'll post it.

it's been nothing but junk food lately. digusting. my solution? a five day fast and staying away from home. home is where all of the binge foods are. if im at home for a long period of time, I give into the temptation of the ever so taunting cookies and juice and all that.

but in other news, I've rekindled my relationship with my best friend. the past few months have been hard for us, but the bumpy road is over and were moving on. the past is the past and were closer than ever. finally.
I didn't realize how much I missed her until we started talking and joking like we used to. she brings happiness in my life. takes my mind off all other stresses and makes me focus on the now moment. which, usually I do. except when it comes to weight. I'm always anticipating the future. after my fast, how much thinner will I be?what will it take to get even thinner? questions like that run through my mind constantly. but it's all worth it in the end.

I've finally began to feel that " losing weight" feeling. you know the one when you haven't eaten and you get an empty and dizzy sick feeling. yeah, that one. I love that feeling more than anything. I don't get dizzy and dehydrated on purpose, of course. but when I do I really feel like I'm actually doing something with my body. some people would die if they had to feel this way all the time. but I'd rather feel sick everyday than be fat.

anyways, I've found yet another way to keep from eating. I drink tons and tons of water. usually ice water so that my metabolism speeds up and I don't eat. I drink so much water that I get a little sick and I don't want to eat. so calories are burned from the cold water and I'm not taking in calories because the water made me "full".
good tip, no? :)

so, as you know, my past ana buddies haven't worked out. well, I know a girl who've i've actually kinda known for a while, and has the same ideas on getting thin. aaand she lives like next door to me. I couldn't ask for anything better. this will probably bring us even closer. she's also one of the few I've even told about my "disorder"

I hope this one works out.

a bunch of bullshit drama has been going on. I really couldn't care less what people say about me, and it's a distraction from eating. so it's a win/win for me. I lose weight and I get the pleasure of them trying to hurt my feelings.

but anyways, i've also been staying up later. although it gives me more time to binge, it burns more calories. so it's a 50/50. I just have to have selfcontrol. which isn't hard anymore. I can have food right in front of me for hours, and I won't be tempted to eat once. it's a slow process, but it happened. well, the selfcontrol, I mean.

I've recently discovered that I can semi fulfill my hunger by chewing the food, but spitting it out. I get the satisfaction of the taste of the food, but no guilty full stomach.

I basically trick myself into thinking I'm eating, when obviously I'm not. you could probably "eat" whatever you want. I still stay on my strict diet because I don't want to risk letting in any extra calories. that's the last thing I want.

I have also recently been thinking about taking laxatives every so often to clear everything out of my system. I haven't looked to much into them because I've had an odd fear of laxs for a long time. I guess I'm afraid of getting like embarrassing diarrea or something. totally ridiculous, but it's a true fear. the fear of fat overpowers that by 100% though. I'm willing to try anything to lose weight. even if it means overcoming a long held fear.

I HATE MCDONALD'S!!!!

why don't they have a "nutritional" menu like most places? in time of need for people like me, we need that nutritional stuff! even their salads are covered in fatty shit. there isn't a single low-cal item there. no matter what, you'll go over your calories if you eat there. unless you try to just eat a small fry as if you're "not hungry". which I never am when I go there. that place isn't very appetizing. but what food is?

anyways, I'm back on my strict diet of no more than 200-400 cals a day. I sort of managed to stay in that range today, but obviously mcdonalds and my boyfriend got in the way of that.

ugh.

I have a boyfriend, and I'm at his house pretty often. but it's hard being there because he's aware of my "diet" and he forces me to eat as often as possible. these few days I'm there throw off my whole plan.

I don't want to, but I might have to see him less to successfully continue my "diet". I know it kills him to know how I feel about myself and how he opposes of my choices, but it's for my benefit. I'll be "better" once I'm happy with myself. this drastic change is for the best. believe me, if I could diet normally, I would. but that doesn't work fast enough for me. it doesn't give me the results I want.

I apologize to anyone I hurt along my own selfish journey. but it must be done.

I know I haven't posted in quite a while, but I've been pretty busy. trying to stay sane, finding my motivation again, best friend drama. you know, same old. but I was recently watching a show called My Life as Liz and she seriously gave me instant thinspiration.





she's the one on the left. I tried finding a better photo of her body, but if you've seen the show you know how tiny she is. she's my new role model. my new goal is to be as small, maybe even thinner than her.
you'll see. I'll be thinner than ever.

These past four days have been hell.
I completely gave up on myself and binged four days in a row. FOUR DAYS.
That may not be that much to you, but that's a whole 3-4 pounds I could've lost. but instead I let food get the best of me.
I'm starting over.
I'm not going to eat anymore than 200 cals a day for the next two weeks.
Probabaly more than that. I need to be punished. I need to learn that food is thy enemy. I'm only going to eat to stay alive.
food = fat.
fat = ugly.
and no one wants to be ugly.

I started the ABC diet yesterday. I don't normally do 'diets' but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode. I started out fine with the 500 day one calorie intake. but today I went over a whole 100 cals. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. The guilt is overpowering. I don't know why I over eat, knowing that it will make me feel this way. I hate binges. I hate fat. I hate food.

On another note, I learned that a banana is over 100 cals. That stupid thing is what made me go over my calories in the first place. Who would have known? I guess it was my own fault. I have the Myfitnesspal app. and I usually add what I'm going to eat to my diary before I eat it. That way I can tell if I can eat it or not.

But I can tell I'm losing weight. My pants are getting too big and my pelvic bone is starting to be more noticable. I love the feeling. I wish I had a scale, though. I might invest in one soon. But I don't want to become addicted to weighing myself. It's not very healthy. HA! As if this whole thing is healthy?
sighsighsighsigh.

I wish I didn't have an addictive personality.
First, it was food. Then I got fat. Now it's an addiction to losing weight.
ooh the life.

I've struggled with weight my whole life. I was always the fat girl in class. I out weighed all of my friends. A few years ago I got control of my weight. And soon enough I became obsessed with it.

I fear being called fat. I fear the word fat itself. I hate what I see in the mirror and everyday I wish I could look like the girls on tv, or the magazines. I idolize anyone who is remotely thinner than me. And lately, that's been everyone. I look around and see small girls and I feel like a fat tub of lard. I've become so self-conscious about it. I would do anything to be thin.

When I get compliments from people telling me I look good, or it looks like I've lost weight, that only makes me strive for skinny even more. I'm at a whopping 135 lbs. I could cry at this weight. I'm about 5'7" and this weight is completely unexceptable.

It's hard for me to hide my disorder because my family is big on eating meals together. And people at school start to notice my weight change. When I do eat, I only do it around company so that no one can say they never see me eat. I eat slowly so I stay at the same pace as everyone and eat less. It's still a daily struggle, not only to hide it, but to keep from passing out. I try to stay hydrated so that I don't have black-outs, or worse, faint. Nothing is worse than fainting in public. It gives away the whole thing, and you're in recovery being monitered weekly to maintain a "healthy" weight.

I'm trying my hardest to drop down 35-45 pounds in four to five months. It should go well if I stick to my diet. I've recently began the 2468 diet and I fast between cycles. It seems to be working, but it's been hard for me not to binge on the fourth day. I may go back to eating every other day, or eating no more than 200cals. a day. It's really hard.

But do not assume I am some wannarexic. I have been going through weight problems since the 3rd grade. I don't blame anyone but myself for this person I have become. So all you normal and healthy beings, stop complaining and go eat a sandwich. I would do anything to be comfortable with my body. I would give anything to be mentally stable with my self-image. I look in the mirror and see a disgusting, bloated person. And I hate it. I wish I could see myself for who I really am.

Dropping so much weight in little time will be hard. But if they can do it on the Biggest Loser the healthy way, then I can do it my way. A good long fasting and a lot of exercise should do the trick.

I just think I need some motivation of some sort. Some THINspiration. I just need to stay strong and not let food control my life like it has in the past. I'm so terrified of gaining weight again. I just can't go through with the ridicule and judgement. People look at you so differently when you're fat. But when you're thin, you're admired. People look up to you, no matter how "unhealthy" you may be. The feeling of being hungry is amazing to me. I love it. I take it in and embrace it. The feeling of guilt and bloating and fatness after eating is not worth it. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."