Thinking habbits

I've been reading all these other Pro-ana blogs and they're making me feel pretty shitty about my horribly failed attempts at skinny. Then again, it's also getting me in motion. Today should go well. I don't really have much of an appetite, and that's a good sign. If I'm not hungry in the morning, I won't be hungry pretty much all day. But I need to get some sort of low-calorie snack that I get eat to just get me through the day. I can deal with the rest. I've also been thinking really hard about introducing mia into my life. But I just don't know if I have the guts. It would help, I suppose, and I'm hoping that by purging, I'll get rid of the dreadful feeling of guilt after eating. But what if I don't get rid of all of it? I won't feel satisfied. What if it becomes more of a problem then I can handle? What if my boyfriend finds out? What if I can't hide it from anyone? I'm so tired of all the what ifs running through my head all day long. I feel like there's no way to escape from anything. I have no escape at all. If the outside world stresses me, I can't go to my mind for comfort, it'll just stress me out more. Everything that goes through my head is a worry. And now that I've seen success of others, I'm worrying about my own success. What if I never succeed at skinny? There's those damn what ifs again. If only you could see inside my head and see what I think day in and day out. If only anyone knew what it was like. Maybe if my boyfriend knew what it was like to think like me, he would be a little more sympathetic. There's only one boy I ever knew that understood me, to an extent. And he went and broke my heart. But, that's all the past now. No need to grieve on it. And sorry if I bored you with a rant about things you probably don't care about. I just like the thought of people listening to me.
xoxo