update 6.26.10

so today I've had:
yogurt: 90 cals.
small slice of pizza: ??
Even without knowing the cals. of the pizza, I still feel pretty good about today. And I didn't plan on eating the pizza, but you know how things go.
But i don't plan on eating much else :)

Today is feeling pretty good. Hopefully I can keep things going in Cali.

xoxo

california, here i come.

So to add on to the no-posting, I'm going to California bright and early tomorrow morning. I'll be there for about a week, maybe more. Let's hope not more. It'll be easy not eating there though because I have real life reverse thinspo. (my cousin is quite a cow) And my grandmother has a pool and I need to look fabulous in a bikini. Not for my grandmother, of course, but for me. I realized that I don't want to look good to impress anyone, or prove anything to anyone. Or to even look good for anyone. I want to look good standing in front of the mirror. In front of myself. I want to feel confident every single time I walk out the door. Every time I see a reflection. I don't want confidence only sometimes, but every single day. And I need to prove to myself that I can do it. I don't care what others think. Well, that's a lie, but I care more about what I think.

Anyways, I got way off topic. I'm going away for a week or more and I won't be able to post at all :( I'm very sad to say goodbye to the blog and to all you beatiful people, but I have to.
This time away should do me some good and I'll come back stronger than ever.
Don't go anywhere, babydolls<3
Stay strong while I'm gone. I'll reply to any emails before I leave and maybe while I'm there. If I'm lucky, I'll get in a post or two over the week, but there are no garuntees. I love you!

xoxo

Hey guys

Still no test results :( I need money!! I saw a pregnancy test yesterday for $40! Ugh. And on top of that, I've been with my boyfriend like all day everyday. Which isn't too bad, but a girl needs to restrict once in a while! We went out for dinner last night and it was some fancy shmancy place. And it was free. So I couldn't just be like, no thanks. And there was three courses! What has the world come too? A fatass, that's what. But I'm fasting as best as I can today. But I can't make this post too long. I'm in my boyfriends bathroom with his phone. And he might get suspicious and wake up. But wish me luck girlies. I need it more than you know.

xoxo

Blehhh

I feel so out of the loop.
Sorry I ran away from the blog without much explanation.
I've had little to no access to the Internet on my own time and I have to sneak onto my boyfriends computer to get in a post every now and then. I still have like no access so this will be one of the very few posts I'll have on a while. I've been doing good on my own though.
Tell me, how is everyone doing?
I haven't had any time to read updates /:
I'm sorry dears!
Everything will be back to normal soon.
Stay strong!
And don't leave me! ;)
love you, babydolls.
Email me <3

xoxo

I won't be posting for a while.
Sorry guys!
Love you!
xoxo

Okay.

So I've put a lot out on the table in the last like two days? Whatever. I might be pregnant. That's one thing. I'm taking a pregnancy test this weekend and I pray it's negative!
Another thing is revealing my myspace/facebook. Some of you say do it some say don't. SO if you would like my accounts, I will send links to you personally. In a message. Or something. How ever that works. So comment this post if you want my info. I'll send it to you. And that's that.

Now to update, I guess.
There's been a lot on my mind, so I don't even know what day it is. So bare with me here.
Yesterday, I believe was Wednesday. So today I'm supposed to do a fast. Yeah. That ain't happening. I'm going to boyfriends today. I'll just stay under like 800 cals today. Shouldn't be too hard. Yesterday I also believe did not go as planned because, who wouldve guessed, I was at boyfriends house! So i assume you all can guess where the eating happens. And don't go thinking that I want to eat there or ask him to cook, if I don't eat there, he forces me. Like no joke. And it's even worse that he knows about my eating problem so he suspects every time I say I don't want to eat.

Oh, I also searches up reasons for a missed or late period, and two of the reasons were stress and sudden weight loss. Sooo maybe, hopefully, that's the reason.

But I'll update a little later and tell you my intake today and all that good stuff.

xoxo

Oh shit.

Guys, I might be pregnant :(

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

What am I gonna do???

Great news!

I'm back at my own house with my step dad! This is great news because now it'll basically be like I'm living alone. I'll never have to eat :) This will be the ultimate test of control, though. I will have to stay at boyfriends for a few hours on some days because my parents don't trust me at all. I don't blame them though. I have a pretty rocky past.

Anyways, I'm very excited to be back home. Me and "bestfriend" weren't getting along so well. I was just very uncomfortable with being there, so I was estatic when my mom said I was going home.

Hopefully I can stay in control and lose tons of weight and finally be happy :)

Wish me luck, babydolls!

xoxo

My identity

I'm posting a little earlier than said previously, but because I've been thinking. I was wondering if anyone would like to know who I really am. To go unanonymous. Reveal pictures, information. Basically, give you access to my facebook/myspace. I'm kind of reluctant because most of you followers probably don't really even care about what I look like or who I am. If I did give access to my social network accounts, you'd have to keep the talk of ana private. I have friends and family on those accounts that don't need to know about this. But, if you're interested in seeing who I am, post a comment and let me know. If, not, don't post. Or post. I don't really care. Ha.
So yeah, Reveal identity or no?

xoxo

Today

Today is much much much much much MUCH better than yesterday. I went to boyfriend's house and we went out to eat for his birthday. Twice. Lunch and Dinner. But Today I am much more motivated. I had somewhat of an epiphany last night. We went walking around Planet Holloywood (the hotel/casino)
oh, wait! Have I told you that I live in Las Vegas? Probably not. Well, I do hah.
Anyways, we went to some clothes shops and I saw tiny clothes and tiny manequines and tiny girls, so I thought to myself, I'm done. I'm done being weak. I'm done with this body. I'm tired of being a skinny girl trapped in fat. I want so badly to be skinny, and of all things, I am holding myself back from that. Boyfriend always tells me that if I get too skinny, he'll break up with me. I don't know if I believe him or not. But being confident with myself would make me so much happier than any relationship ever could.

I've only had a taste of skinny, and boy do I want the whole bowl. That's sort of ironic considering I'm not eating a bowl of anything to get the "bowl of skinny." I will be happy. I don't know why I continue to hold myself back from my own happiness. You'd think I'd want this for myself. Which I do, but part of me doesn't care. God, I'm confusing as hell.

Let's put it plainly: I want to be skinny. End of story.
Today I had a small bowl of cereal to hold me off for the day. Probably around 130-150 cals. Not too bad, I guess. I'll just have water for the rest of the day. Until dinner. Hopefully I can get out of it. Since I've been staying with my best friend (parents are out of town), it's been easy to eat small dinner. They're big meat eaters and I'm vegetarian, so I basically have a salad every night. Although, my family doesn't even do family dinners, so it's easier not to eat dinner at all at my own house. But, I'll update how I did today after dinner. See you soon.

xoxo

I wish

I wish I could let people in. I wish I could share my feelings and more with the world. I want so badly to say how I really feel when I'm upset, but I can't. My heart and mind will not let me. .They say, you've been hurt too many times. Don't let it happen again.

Why can't I just say, Hey, this is how I feel when you do this. WHY? It's like my entire body shuts down and blocks out everything when someone asks is everything okay? Or, what's wrong? Those words are like poison to my ears and they slowly seep into my heart, pumps through my vains, to my brain and everything just quits on me.

I've been this way for as long as I can remember. When I cry, I can't even speak. When I'm angry, I know exactly what I want to say, but I never say it. My feelings are pushed down, and pushed down and tucked away forever and no one will ever know the truth.

Some day I'll be able to let people in. Some day I won't be so scared. Some day I'll let my voice be heard. But today, my emotions are once again put away in a deep dark corner of my mind and forgotten the very next day.

There is no way of telling if I'll ever actually be able to let people in. If I'll stop being paranoid. If I'll trust another ever again. But I can only hope for a brighter day.

xoxo

Fast

Well yesterday didn't go as planned. So today is a fasting day. If anyone would like to accompany me, we can keep contact at my email:

kaysize0@hotmail.com

That's all for now. I'll post at the end of the fast. It'll probably be a 24 hour. I don't know yet. Maybe a 35.

xoxo

Situational issues

So yesterday was horrible, so I'm not even going to update about it. It was bad. really bad. let's just leave it at that.

But today, this morning was like a mini binge, but hopefully I'll be able to avoid food the rest of the day. I'm not really that hungry, so I should be fine.

But I need to explain my situation. It's not bad, but I'd be in a lot of trouble if I told my boyfriend about this.
I went over to bestfriends house and we did hookah, whatever no problem there. But then we proceeded to get on chat roulette. If you're not familiar with this site, it's a site where you are randomly connected with a stranger. And it requires a webcam. We were chatting with a kid, and my friend, let's call him Z, sort of was all over me and my friend. He would lift our shirts and things in front of the cam and I was uncomfortable with it, but no matter what I did, he would not leave us alone. Then he'd try to cuddle with us in bed and it was awkward and I didn't really know how to approach the situation.
I should probably tell you that I've hooked up with this kid before, when I was single.
I'm not going to tell boyfriend about any of this, but I feel like I'm lying if I don't. Although, it's not necessarily lying if he doesn't ask. But I really don't know what to do. If boyfriend finds out about Z, we're done. I never really promoted any activities with Z or kissed him, but I still feel dirty.
ugh. I knew something like this would happen.

xoxo

And I thought I could do it.

Fast and restriction was failed today. BUT! I finally got a chance to weigh myself and guess what?

I lost 7 pounds!
I'm 130lbs at the moment and I'm pretty damn proud of that. I actually didn't believe it at first. I thought the scale might be broken. Nope :) I'm actually 7lbs lighter and it feels great!

But I'm not going to post my intake today because I honestly don't even know what exactly I ate today. That's pretty ridiculous. But I don't even care right now. I lost weight! Now maybe since I saw the numbers drop, I'll find my strength again. I know I can do it, it's just a matter of me actually doing it.

Anyways, I'll restrict to like 400 cals. tomorrow.
Actually, I think I'm going to start the ABCD diet instead. It's a lot stricter and maybe it'll put me in check. And get me into a habbit.

Tomorrow I'll be at the bestfriend's, so hopefully it will be easy to avoid food. We're supposed to smoke Hookah. I've done it before, so whatever, I just hope it doesn't turn into drinking. That could go downhill fast.

OH! Do you like my new layout and what not? I was playing with the new designer and decided to spice up my blog. hah.
But anyways, I hope everyone has a fabulous day tomorrow!
Stay strong, babydolls!

xoxo

Yeah.

I'm fasting today. End of story.
Fuck the diet.

UGGGGGH.

Well, day at boyfriends SUCKED ASS. I'm so disappointed in myself. WHY the hell do I say "I'm hungry." ???? That's just like saying FUCK YOU, body, I'm gonna do what I want! uhh. yeah, thanks. Now I've screwed us both over.

At least I got like an hour of cardio by walking there. Probably didn't burn enough calories. UGGH. I'm an idiot. FUCKING RETARDED. blaaah.

Hopefully, I'm not doing anything tomorrow, so I can just sit in my room all damn day. And I seriously don't understand why I eat, it makes me feel sooo horrible.
bleh. whatever.

Intake:
2 small pieces of french bread
1 cookie
1 macaroni cup
1 bowl of steamed rice w/ soy sauce
Tater tots

I don't even want to know the calories in all of that...

xoxo

thinspo

xoxo

Good Morning

I have to post early today because I'm going to my boyfriends house today. You know how that goes. But I'm walking there so that'll be some good cardio. (He lives like 5 miles away) Maybe not 5, but it seems like it. Usually I can get out of eating if I just say, "no I'm not hungry." But if he's hungry, and he cooks, I will end up eating. hopefully not a lot.

Oh! today is day one of my 2468 diet. but, Twigs, do you think the ABC diet is better? I've also tried that diet before, but it was hard for me to follow and remember what day I was on. I assumed 2468 is easier.

Anyways, I was thinking of that low calorie snack or breakfast food I could eat everyday (except on fasting days). The yoplait yogurts that are the weird dessert flavors, the commercials talk about how they're under 100 cals each. I wish I lived on my own. Then I could buy whatever foods I wanted, and it'd be much easier to restrict. My fridge would be empty.

So for an update about last night:
Dinner:
small salad with Italian dressing
two small pieces of bread
8fl.oz. of water
45 minutes of cardio

If anyone would like to tally up some estimated calories for that meal, be my guest.

Well, I hope everyone has a fabulous day!

xoxo

new diet

So I've decided that I'm not going to eat any junk, meat, and if I don't know how many calories it is, I'm not eating it. So basically before I eat, I have to ask myself three questions before eating. And I may do either ABCD (Ana boot camp diet) or the 2468 diet. I think 2468 will be a lot easier to follow and remember. I'll also do a fast at the end of each set. so it'll be
Day one- 200cals
Day two- 400cals
Day three- 600cals
Day four- 800cals
Day five- fast

ugh. doesn't 800 calories sound like a lot? I might skip that day. That's way too many calories for my taste.
I'll probably just do this for a few weeks, or one week, see how it goes. If it doesn't work, I'll come up with something. I've tried this "diet" before, but never followed through. Now that I have a calorie counter and a plan, it should go a whole lot better.

I'm in for the night. night babydolls!
xoxo

true life link

I found the true life I'm on a diet link!
it's not on YouTube, and it's the full episode, but better than nothing :)
http://www.mtv.com/videos/true-life-im-on-a-diet/1581320/playlist.jhtml
I hope you have flash player. hah.
xoxo

"you take the pain to get the pleasure"

True Life-I'm on a diet
A wrestler trying to lose weight would starve and purge to maintain his low weight class.
He said, "You just have to take the pain to get the pleasure." I love this quote. To get your 'pleasure', in this case thin, you have to deal with the hunger pains. I was thinking about eating before watching and it gave me instant thinspo. I realized that maybe if I just read and watched thinspiring things, I would never eat! Wouldn't that be fabulous? Hell yes.
xoxo

bright summers day.

Sitting here on my best friends couch, I'm planning out my day. I just had a granola bar, 100cals., and I'm thinking about having tea.
We're going to be sitting by the pool today, so things should go well. I'm not sure whether I want to do liquids today, or a fast. I'll contemplate this for a while before making a decision. ha, as if it were life or death. There's not much of a difference there.

Anyways, it's quite hot out, I can feel the heat radiating from the walls onto my skin. Hopefully this won't be much of a problem. I would like not to be a hot dizzy mess while sun bathing. But today feels good.
Maybe I can get some exercise in the pool.

That's another thing, I don't get much exercise. I need to find something I can do at home. it's way to hot to run here, even in the evening. Anyone have any good cardio exercises I can do in my home?

Hope everyone has a lovely day!
xoxo

Thinking habbits

I've been reading all these other Pro-ana blogs and they're making me feel pretty shitty about my horribly failed attempts at skinny. Then again, it's also getting me in motion. Today should go well. I don't really have much of an appetite, and that's a good sign. If I'm not hungry in the morning, I won't be hungry pretty much all day. But I need to get some sort of low-calorie snack that I get eat to just get me through the day. I can deal with the rest. I've also been thinking really hard about introducing mia into my life. But I just don't know if I have the guts. It would help, I suppose, and I'm hoping that by purging, I'll get rid of the dreadful feeling of guilt after eating. But what if I don't get rid of all of it? I won't feel satisfied. What if it becomes more of a problem then I can handle? What if my boyfriend finds out? What if I can't hide it from anyone? I'm so tired of all the what ifs running through my head all day long. I feel like there's no way to escape from anything. I have no escape at all. If the outside world stresses me, I can't go to my mind for comfort, it'll just stress me out more. Everything that goes through my head is a worry. And now that I've seen success of others, I'm worrying about my own success. What if I never succeed at skinny? There's those damn what ifs again. If only you could see inside my head and see what I think day in and day out. If only anyone knew what it was like. Maybe if my boyfriend knew what it was like to think like me, he would be a little more sympathetic. There's only one boy I ever knew that understood me, to an extent. And he went and broke my heart. But, that's all the past now. No need to grieve on it. And sorry if I bored you with a rant about things you probably don't care about. I just like the thought of people listening to me.
xoxo

it's my party

Apparently, I think just because it's my birthday, I can eat whatever. I had a veggie burger and fries at in and out and then a veggie pizza. and I still have a bag of candy. is that a lot? probably. and even if not, it's too much for me. just one bite of something, and I feel like I failed the whole day. maybe i'm just crazy. yeah, I think so. But in other news, I got a lot of cute new clothes and that's enough motivation to get me going. I want to look my best (: and I was talking to one of my friends earlier and she's Mia, but was telling me that losing even 10 pounds was too much. uhmm? aren't you supposed to be supporting me and helping me along, and not trying to put me down? AND the fact that she is going through the same thing and telling ME that I need to get help. eff? whatever. she was never a close friend or anything, I just thought it was odd. Anyways, I may be going to another party tomorrow. Did I tell you about the last party? eh. oh well. anyways, if we are going to that party, that keeps me away from Kyle. I don't necessarily want to be away, but he feeds me too much. If I want to not feed MY body, I should be able to. Its my body! And he always says how I hurt him so much when I fast and I don't understand why? But whatever. The party will be good for my so-called "fast."
xoxo

not myself tonight

So I thought today was going to be great. HA! I was sooo wrong. I wasn't successful on fasting, I was successful on low calories, but that's not satisfaction enough. I need to follow completely through with my plans. ugh. And tomorrow is my 16th birthday, and I have like no plans and it's making me like depressed. I'm just not doing well. I don't know why I've been so out-of-whack lately, but I need to get my shit together. I'm so disappointed in myself, and even people around me. My life just sucks to me right now, and it doesn't. Well it shouldn't suck to me. I don't even know what to do anymore. I need to just sit and gather my thoughts. Tomorrow I hope I'll be good. I don't want to disappoint me, or Ana, anymore. FML.
xoxo

My Mother

Today my mother leaves for California. And while I'm stuck here, she'll be having no problem resisting food. I have never told you this, but I believe my mother has some sort of eating problem. Maybe not purposely done, but she barely eats. I envy her. I wish I had her strength. She eats bread, coke, and salad. And she smokes. I never really noticed until a few weeks ago, but she ha the tiniest legs I've seen. She plays a big part in my thinspiration. If I had a photo of her, I would post it. But anyways, today I'm fasting. I'll probably eat some breakfast and start a 24 hour fast at like 11am or 12pm. I'll just drink water all day. I might take up smoking, but I made my boyfriend quit, so that'd be kind of hypocritical. I also thought about bringing Mia into my life, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that. I have an irrational fear of throwing up, so Mia wouldn't be much of a friend. I'll probably update my progress a little later today. And again when the fast is over. I might mak it a 10 day fast. It depends on how today goes.
xoxo

my dearest, Ana.

Time to go hungry.
It gives me great joy,
Pleasure and satisfaction

To fight against
My hunger pangs,
Gives me pride

Feeling of sheer terror
To see me in the mirror
I could be so fat

Every pound I lose
Helps me on the course
To my sheer perfection.

bones

I can't wait to see my pretty bones. I can't wait to be thin enough to fit into my size one jeans. But if I don't have the control, I don't deserve any of that. My California trip has been cancelled and now it's going to be a lot harder to resist. I know I can do it. I've done it before. resist. control. It's all about controlling my mind, not my stomach. My stomach doesn't want the food, my mind does. Food is not my friend, and I need to convince myself of that. My relationship that I have with food needs to be completely deminished. I want to see my pretty bones.

day uno

Today is the official restart of my fast. I was doing so well too /: but after Kyle found my blog again, it all went downhill. But I won't be seeing him for the next week or so. and I bought a new bathing suit for this summer, and I need to look as best as I can in it. today I'll hang around my friends house, and she has like no appetizing foods, go home and pack and do laundry, and probably go to bed, but it depends on what time it is by then. anyways, I said I would post new thinspo, so enjoy:

UGH.

STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!
if you don't like the choices I make or how I deal with problems, then GET OUT of my life! stop trying to fix me! it's not going to work ! ugggggggggh.

sorry. I'm a little frustrated.
but I'm going to california for a week. finally I'll be away for a while to do this right. I can't be thin when I live with Kyle. he feeds me nonstop. I have a party to go to tonight, then I'm home the next day, and off to California bright and early. no eating there (:
xoxo

okay. well some of my posts have been deleted. it's because my boyfriend found my blogger app and deleted all the posts saved on there. sooo I have to do a better job at hiding this. no more app. which is fine because this is much easier. but to sum all of my deleted posts together:
I started a juice/water fast with maybe one meal a day. it's been going good for three days, except last night. (when my boyfriend found the posts, he made me eat again.) but I think it won't ruin everything. but I've been much happier since I've started losing flab. but yesterday put me back down into the blue. (the blue is where my mind goes when I'm depressed. the white is when I'm at my best moods) I also posted some thinspo which I'll do again soon. and I posted about the yahoo groups I joined. they help. try it. yahoo.com blood and bones or pro-Ana lifestyle choice. and I recently found this amaaaaaaaazing site, prothinspo.com. it has the largest selection of diets, tips, thinspo, and pretty much anything else you need. but anyways, I hope he doesn't find anymore of my blog. I need this. it keeps me going.
xoxo