9:11pm

Liquid fasted all day and then.....bread and steak for dinner :( not the worst thing I could have eaten, I guess. Still frustrating though because I was doing well until then. Tomorrow I'll just go back to no-eating-after-3 and hope for the best. I'm running out of low-cal foods to eat though, I need to come up with a grocery list before we go shopping again. I'll be sure to post it on here once I figure it out. I like to snack mostly, so I want to figure out what some "healthy" snacks are that I could get to munch on throughout the day. 

That's why I've been considering starting smoking again, because I mostly bored eat & I just want something to keep my hands/mouth busy. So instead of eating and getting fatter, I'd rather eat less and die skinny. Either way, I'll be unhappy and die anyways right? 

11:33pm

I fucked up & I hate myself. Binged not only on alcohol, but food as well. I feel gross and over-stuffed. Won't be weighing in for a few days as it'll just discourage me. 

I was doing so well too until my partner came home with a bottle of tequila and a case of beer. Two shots in and I stuffed my belly full with two cans of spaghetti-oh's, which are like 500 calories PER CAN. Had bread with it as well. I'm not happy. I'll be water fasting tomorrow, I don't care how hard it is. 

10:53pm

Today was good! I did actually stop eating by 4pm (yeah it was supposed to be 3pm but I napped and slept past 3 so I ate when I woke up to reach 800 cals) I have had a couple cups of iced coffee with creamer since then though, but that's nothing major imo. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought it would be, eating that many calories all in the beginning of the day did seem to keep me from getting too hungry throughout the rest of the evening. But I'm kind of hyped on caffeine because of the coffee, so good thing I don't work early in the morning. I'll have to get some diet soda or juice to have instead of coffee now.

I never usually weigh-in at the end of the day but I did tonight and I was expecting to be more than what I weighed this morning (that's why I try to only weigh myself I the morning) but I'm actually a couple points below it. I came in at 181.8 so I'm really hoping to be down to 180 or lower by the morning weigh-in tomorrow!! 

I do feel a bit sick & lightheaded right now but I'm pretty sure it's from too much caffeine this late at night, along with lack of enough food. I'm gonna try to go to sleep in a bit, because I don't wanna end up late-night binging. 

Food;

Breakfast

- low carb monster - 25

- 1 bag popchips - 100

Lunch

- 2 frozen burritos - 600

- salsa - 10

Snack 

- lemon pepper tuna - 40

- sourdough slice - 105 

It's hard to estimate the coffee's calories so I'm just not going to add them to my total, unless I start measuring the exact amount of creamer I use per cup. Which I should probably start doing. I don't think I did too bad, although I did kind of beat myself up over having all 600 calories at once for lunch, when I could have at least split it into 300 calories for two different meals. Then I wouldn't have had the tuna on bread either. Lessons learned for next time though. 

7:22am

Today I'm trying something different, instead of the "2468" I want to try the "after 3pm" diet. You basically just get all your calories in before 3pm, and then stop eating after that. I'll be trying to stay between 600-900 calories each day, and I will be allowing myself to have liquid calories, like coffee, after 3pm. This is technically a "healthy" diet, I read about it on a few fit blogs and there's like a whole book written about it. Obviously the diet suggests you get your full "normal" calorie intake, like 12-1300 or whatever. I'm still restricting so I'm sticking to my goals. It'll probably be kind of hard since I usually binge/eat mostly in the evening, & I'm used to not eating sometimes until after noon/1pm. People have claimed rapid weight loss while doing this, so I'm hoping to see the same results. My weigh-in this morning was 182 flat, and I'm excited to see it drop below the 80's. Getting closer to my first weight goal everyday!

I'm hoping to become used to eating less and less so I can eventually step back into the ABC diet, which is my favorite tbh. It's really harsh but the calorie balance causes weight loss and no bloating. Your body doesn't try to retain all the fat it can when it realizes you're starving, I just need to get to a point where I know I'll be able to stick with the goals and be able to fast. 

9:32pm

Going to bed hungry tonight! I managed not to over-eat today and I'm pretty proud of myself?? I did not stay within my goal of 400, but I only went a little over 800, and honestly as long as I'm under 1,000 calories each day, I think I'm doing alright. I have work in the morning, so I'll be able to avoid any morning binges. My main goal right now is just to get used to eating less again, because I've just been letting myself gorge whenever I wanted to and I've gotten used to over-eating a LOT. That's why I'm not being too hard on myself, like I usually had been in the past. I would see any calorie over my goal as an immense failure, and it always discouraged me and made me binge more. Trying to stay positive and taking things slow, hopefully this different approach will be beneficial in the long run. 

I would've been closer to 800 I think had I not had coffee with creamer, again, but like I said, I'm not super worried about liquid calories right now anyways so I'm a little more lenient with myself. I weighed in this morning at 183.2, so there was a small drop in numbers. It's all just water weight and normal bloating coming off though, I want to see results in the mirror more than on the scale. 

Food; 

Breakfast

- 2 eggs w/ tbs salsa - 180  

- low carb monster energy - 25 

Lunch 

- bread & cheese - 280 

Dinner 

- Easy mac & cheese cup - 220

- Sourdough slice - 105 

- Coffee - est. 90 

& like I mentioned in the last post, to prevent a binge, I chewed-and-spit a small bowl of pasta. I'm sure that added a little extra calories since well, you can't really spit all of the food out. So gross. I don't know if I'll ever do that again, it made me sick to my stomach and I'm not a fan of feeling nauseous. Tomorrow's goal is supposed to be 200 but.......I couldn't even do 400 so......we'll see 

2:10pm

I'm struggling to control myself from binging. I can't keep myself distracted for long enough to stop thinking about eating. I made some pasta but I made myself chew-and-spit, which is fucking disgusting by the way like I don't recommend this but it helps me just get the satisfaction of taste and chewing food. It also makes me kind of nauseous afterwards so then I don't want to actually eat. But I'm obviously still gonna be hungry and I've hit my 400 calorie goal already, and it's only 2pm. I'm thinking about just trying to sleep for as long as possible for the rest of the afternoon, I need to break my binge habit. 

9:03pm

Alright so, counted calories, yes, stayed within my goal, no. I don't think I did outrageously horrid, but not as well as I would like. But again, trying not to discourage myself too much since it's just the beginning & I don't wanna make myself give up entirely. Really, I just had too much coffee and splurged on a beer with dinner. An extra light beer, mind you. But I would rather gorge on liquid calories than solid. Makes me feel a little less disgusting. 

I was really feeling the hunger pains after I got home from work this evening, since I hadn't had anything but caffeine really until then. Working makes it easier to not eat throughout most of the day. I'm worried about how I'll do tomorrow because I have the day off. I'll need to keep myself preoccupied with various things to stay away from food & stay distracted from hunger. Now I'm kind of grateful for the fact that I have very few days off, I wouldn't know what to do with myself and do nothing but binge. Hoping I'll be able to just chomp on ice all day & trick myself into thinking I'm eating. 

Stats are essentially exactly the same, as expected. Weighed in at exactly 186. I didn't expect to see any weight loss after one day. Hopefully my liquid cal splurges don't hurt me too much tomorrow. I need to get some diet soda. 

Food;

Breakfast - coffee with creamer - cals ?? Est. 105 

also binged on the last of my bag of chips, not good

Lunch - Zero Calorie Monster Energy - 0 cals

Snack - bread with cheese - 175 cals & more coffee - 90 cals

Dinner - 6oz Sirloin - Est. 340 cals - extra light beer - 148 cals 

My total was well over 600, calculated an estimated 1200 because of the morning binge & unneeded empty calories throughout. I like to over-estimate though rather than under, I feel like I'm lying to myself if I round the numbers down. Still going to continue tomorrow and try for a 400 goal. Trying to stay positive about it so I don't go into it already believing I'm gonna fail. Wish me luck, I suppose 

8:32pm

Today's restriction was decent, I did kind of munch here and there on chips but I still monitored the calories & I didn't go over 800/900 (which was my goal for today) since I'm just trying to slowly start to get back into the groove of harsher restricting, so I'm not going to punish myself too much if I go a bit over my goals. I haven't had enough self-control (& was trying to "recover") for the last couple of years, to be strict with my diets & intake, so its gonna be a little rough to discipline myself again. I also redownloaded the MyFitnessPal app which is my favorite to track calories, intake & burned, it also counts my steps per day and takes off the estimated calories burned which is cool. 

But the reason I've decided to give up on trying to recover is because I've been severely depressed for a really long time, whether I'm restricting or trying to eat normally, I'm always tired, lethargic, and unhappy. So I figure if I'm gonna be depressed no matter what, I might as well try to lose weight so I can at least have control of something & be a little bit happier looking at myself in the mirror. Besides, trying to self-recover is hellish and I've come up unsuccessful anyways, obviously.

Anyways, since I started out today at 800 ish, I suppose I'll try to keep up with the 2468 diet, but in reverse. So I'll be doing 8642. I haven't decided if I want to fast after 200 or not, I feel like that would be a bad idea and I don't think I'm ready to jump back into that game yet. 

If you're reading this and would like to follow along with me on my calorie intakes per day here's what I'll be doing for now: 

Day 1 (today): 800 calories 

Day 2: 600 calories

Day 3: 400 calories

Day 4: 200 calories 

(Repeat) 

Also; I got my scale back and weighed myself for the first time in months today. Let's just say I'm extremely disgusted by how much I weigh. I don't even wanna know my BMI, I already know I'm overweight for my height. I wish I hadn't tried going into full recovery, i don't think I would've gained all this weight otherwise. 

quick stats for day 1;

height - 5'7"

current weight - 185 lbs

goal weight #1 - 150 lbs 

food; 

"breakfast" - no carb energy drink - 0 cals

lunch - diet sweet tea 20oz - 5 cals & chips - 280 cals

dinner - cheese sandwich (2 bread slices, 1 cheese slice, 1 tbs mayo) 255 cals & chips - 280 ?? 

& lots of water 

Hopefully I'll be able to quit the munching throughout the day, at least on unhealthy things. Next time I go out to the grocery store maybe I'll get baby carrots to munch instead, like the bunny I am 🐰

Re-Introduction

So I abandoned this blog completely in 2013, when I was 18 years old, but wasn't really active at that time either. I'm sure no one else here is active anymore or remembers my blog, but I'm starting new (again) and feel it's appropriate to re introduce myself since much has changed in the last 3-4 years. 

My name's Morgan, I'm 21 years old, going to be 22 in less than a month. I live in Las Vegas, and I have EDNOS. If you're not familiar with that, it's an "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" basically meaning that I fall neither here nor there on any specific eating disorder. To put it simply, I have a really bad relationship with food and weight loss. 

Since the last time I really updated, a lot has changed, obviously. I've graduated high school, I've been working at my current job for the last 3 years, I moved out of my parent's home, and I've come out as gay and genderfluid. I'm still struggling with the same eating problems though, but over the last few years I have gained A LOT of weight. When I was running this blog I was around 130 pounds, the last time I actually weighed myself, which was a few months ago, I was 170. I'm sure I weigh even more than that now, because I've been binging a hell of a lot more than restricting, but that's why I've come back to this blog. Updating here always kept me more in check so even if I'm writing to no one at all, I'll be here (hopefully) regularly. I'm not sure what my diet plan is going to be yet, but I'll make another post when I figure it out. My ultimate goal weight for now is 115 pounds. Wish me luck on my new journey (again)

Hello 2013

I know I'm a little late on resolutions, but better late than never. I was thinking about getting some diet pills to reduce my appetite because I have a tendency to eat when I'm bored. I was thinking Pure Green Coffee Bean pills but I haven't done much research on them yet. If anyone knows any weight loss pills that you've tried or you know that work, please let me know! xox

I haven't posted on this for over a year now but it looks like some blogs I follow are still active. but i'm thinking about moving to tumblr. if any of you are still active, and have a tumblr please comment on this post or something! thanks xox

no eating allowed

so since I get yelled at for everytime I eat, I'm just gonna stop eating at home. but then they notice when I don't eat, and get all concerned. WTF! make up your god damn mind. but I don't fucking care what they say to me, or about me. I'm fucking done. I'm not staying home anymore and if I am home, I'm staying in my room. maybe then they'll feel bad for the things they say. maybe then they'll miss me. I can honestly say I hate where I live.

In other news, I'm finally talking to my long lost father. I've never met him, or my older sister and now I'm talking to them on facebook. He wants me to go to Idaho with them for thanksgiving. ah. thanksgiving. the worst holiday. my close family is used to me not eating. But I can't just refuse food at a strangers thanksgiving. And I don't know if I'm ready to meet that side of the family yet. I'd feel so uncomfortable and out of place.

But I haven't decided what I want to do yet.
wish me luck.
xoxo

xxxxxxx

so I gained like 3629619 pounds over this weekend >.<
grandmothers house.
Halloween.
'nuff said.

so I'm in love,

and I'm letting my guard down.
my boyfriend and I had a very emotional talk last night. we talked for hours, and he broke my heart in so many ways. He told me he feels like I don't care about him or trust him enough to let him in. I never tell anyone what I'm thinking or how I feel and this guy walks into my life and wants me to share everything with him. that's not gonna happen that easily. it's so hard for me to open up to people because I'm afraid they'll turn around and use it against me. I've had that happen way too many times. but he reassured me and promised me and cried over me. The last time he cried was over his dad when he was eight. I never imagined I'd have such an impact on someone. I'm nothing special. I'm just as broken as he is. He says he wants to know everything about me. He promises he'll make me so happy one day, I'll never have to cry again. and I just might believe him. He's made me the happiest I've been in a very long time. I don't even remember the last time I was this happy with my life. I may make some really stupid decisions when I'm with him, but I don't regret a thing. He wears his heart on his sleeve and I only wish I could do that. He doesn't know anything about me. I tell him I don't think my thoughts and feelings are important enough to share. He says he doesn't care. He just wants to hear me talk and wants to listen. We understand each other. I only hope this lasts.

cigarettes and alcohol.

I started smoking again. not the best choice, but if I'm killing my body by starving it, may as well kill it with cancer too. but it's really been helping me stop eating. I don't get cigarettes often though because I have no money, no lighter, and my mom hides her purse. but the new group of kids I've been hanging with are not the best influences. I just hope I don't start rolling with them and all the other shit they do. I drank and got drunk last night. bad. but my parents didn't know. I came home around 11 and crashed in my bed like immediately. I feel like I've been neglecting my old friends though. but they understand.
anyways, I haven't been on a scale in a very long time, but I haven't been eating really anything for the past like 5 or more days. so that's good. maybe these kids aren't bad influences after all. ha.
but I hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo

lazy Sunday.

I've been in bed all day today due to a piercing headache. but it's lovely and raining outside and I've been listening to bright eyes. I have eaten anything but a little this morning. last night was long. homecoming. I looked nice and I'm down a dress size, so I didn't dread shopping like I usually do. I wore 3 inch heels for the first time. I felt so tall and my feet were killing me but I felt pretty in them. it's getting dark and my parents are probably wondering why I haven't left my room today. I'll probably grab some tea and continue to have a cold, and beautiful evening. I hope everyone is just as relaxed as me tonight.
I love you all. xoxo.

Thank youu, fucked up stomach!

I'm so glad my stomach rejects meat, because today would've been a horrible binge. My mother also has a meat problem, when she eats red meat, such as pork or beef, her stomach basically gets rid of it, and mine does the same. It makes me so sick, that I just became a vegetarian. I did this about 8 months ago.
Anyways, today was good. I barely had anything to eat and dance was like always, abs, butt, cardio. I'm still really sore and could barely stretch today. Gah, I really need to work on my calorie counting. That reminds me! I found this website and you can put like any food in it and it tells you all the nutrition facts! It's amazing! I'll post the link at the bottom of this post<3
So, is anyone else as excited as I am for winter to come along? (: I love the cold weather. It brings me less binges for some reason. ALTHOUGH, it is the holiday season :| That means lots of family and food for christmas and thanksgiving and such. But I don't like any of the food at those holidays, so I always just eat macaroni. Pies and cakes and things don't really affect me. I don't like sweets much. Especially chocolate, it makes my throat burn. anyways, here's that site I was talking about <3

calorieconnect.com

xoxo

hearts burst open, wounds bleed fresh.

I've been working out quite a bit recently. And we've begun our audition piece in dance. I really hope I make it. The dance is to the song 'Dancing in the dark' by lady gaga. I love her (: And the dance is fast paced and really works your legs. My thighs are so sore! Have you noticed my fabulously simple new page? I think it's a keeper.
Anyways, I haven't really been able to get on a scale, but my jeans don't liee ;) I'm looking better everyday. But it's never enough. I strive for perfect, but do I really know what perfect is? How will I know when I get there if I'm always wanting more? It's like I'll never be skinny enough in my eyes. Like the mirror adds on 20 pounds and I just feel the need to shed more and more off until it's all gone. Until I'm gone. And that scares me the most. I try not to think that way, but I can't help it. It's always on my mind. I'm always looking for something to fix on myself. I'm just glad I have you guys here with me. It's good to think that someone out there feels the same and is listening to me. You're the ones keeping me alive<3

xoxo

Real name.

I've decided to start using my real name on here. (if you hadn't noticed, I'm morgan.) I don't really know why, I just don't see the harm in it. I may begin to post pictures of myself here once I get my new phone. Which should be within the week. and if I get my ipod back, I'm going to start running on weekend mornings and I'll be on here a lot more often and you'll get more posts from me. So things are going to get much better (: I've also began to get a better relationship with my mother. She and I have been getting along, and let's just hope it stays that way. Now I just need to get over the fear of my step dad and I'll be able to mend my relationship with him.
But anyways, there hasn't been much going on. I've been slacking a little and my grades are beginning to drop. But when I say slacking, I mean laying off my diet. which is bad. And I'm starting to lose focus. buuuuuut! I'm only going to be optimistic and no matter what happens, I'm going to be happy. And hopefully I'll be able to convince myself of that.
So, do any of you watch the show If You Really Knew Me? It's a show on mtv and I think it's like, life changing. It's very inspiring and makes me cry everytime. aha.
So yeah, you should check it out. It's on every tuesday at 11pm. (:
I hope you're all doing well! I'll be reading posts soon!
love you, babydolls<3
xoxo

3 days

For the past three days, I've been doing really well. I've been preoccupied, working out, and barely eating. I'm not really seeing any results yet though :/ I haven't been on the scale in a while, so I can't tell whether I've lost or not. But I'll weigh in soon and let you guys know.
and I haven't been able to read any posts by you guys, so tell me what's been going down since the last time I posted (:
love you guys<3
stay strong, babydolls!

xoxo