2:10pm

I'm struggling to control myself from binging. I can't keep myself distracted for long enough to stop thinking about eating. I made some pasta but I made myself chew-and-spit, which is fucking disgusting by the way like I don't recommend this but it helps me just get the satisfaction of taste and chewing food. It also makes me kind of nauseous afterwards so then I don't want to actually eat. But I'm obviously still gonna be hungry and I've hit my 400 calorie goal already, and it's only 2pm. I'm thinking about just trying to sleep for as long as possible for the rest of the afternoon, I need to break my binge habit. 

9:03pm

Alright so, counted calories, yes, stayed within my goal, no. I don't think I did outrageously horrid, but not as well as I would like. But again, trying not to discourage myself too much since it's just the beginning & I don't wanna make myself give up entirely. Really, I just had too much coffee and splurged on a beer with dinner. An extra light beer, mind you. But I would rather gorge on liquid calories than solid. Makes me feel a little less disgusting. 

I was really feeling the hunger pains after I got home from work this evening, since I hadn't had anything but caffeine really until then. Working makes it easier to not eat throughout most of the day. I'm worried about how I'll do tomorrow because I have the day off. I'll need to keep myself preoccupied with various things to stay away from food & stay distracted from hunger. Now I'm kind of grateful for the fact that I have very few days off, I wouldn't know what to do with myself and do nothing but binge. Hoping I'll be able to just chomp on ice all day & trick myself into thinking I'm eating. 

Stats are essentially exactly the same, as expected. Weighed in at exactly 186. I didn't expect to see any weight loss after one day. Hopefully my liquid cal splurges don't hurt me too much tomorrow. I need to get some diet soda. 

Food;

Breakfast - coffee with creamer - cals ?? Est. 105 

also binged on the last of my bag of chips, not good

Lunch - Zero Calorie Monster Energy - 0 cals

Snack - bread with cheese - 175 cals & more coffee - 90 cals

Dinner - 6oz Sirloin - Est. 340 cals - extra light beer - 148 cals 

My total was well over 600, calculated an estimated 1200 because of the morning binge & unneeded empty calories throughout. I like to over-estimate though rather than under, I feel like I'm lying to myself if I round the numbers down. Still going to continue tomorrow and try for a 400 goal. Trying to stay positive about it so I don't go into it already believing I'm gonna fail. Wish me luck, I suppose 

8:32pm

Today's restriction was decent, I did kind of munch here and there on chips but I still monitored the calories & I didn't go over 800/900 (which was my goal for today) since I'm just trying to slowly start to get back into the groove of harsher restricting, so I'm not going to punish myself too much if I go a bit over my goals. I haven't had enough self-control (& was trying to "recover") for the last couple of years, to be strict with my diets & intake, so its gonna be a little rough to discipline myself again. I also redownloaded the MyFitnessPal app which is my favorite to track calories, intake & burned, it also counts my steps per day and takes off the estimated calories burned which is cool. 

But the reason I've decided to give up on trying to recover is because I've been severely depressed for a really long time, whether I'm restricting or trying to eat normally, I'm always tired, lethargic, and unhappy. So I figure if I'm gonna be depressed no matter what, I might as well try to lose weight so I can at least have control of something & be a little bit happier looking at myself in the mirror. Besides, trying to self-recover is hellish and I've come up unsuccessful anyways, obviously.

Anyways, since I started out today at 800 ish, I suppose I'll try to keep up with the 2468 diet, but in reverse. So I'll be doing 8642. I haven't decided if I want to fast after 200 or not, I feel like that would be a bad idea and I don't think I'm ready to jump back into that game yet. 

If you're reading this and would like to follow along with me on my calorie intakes per day here's what I'll be doing for now: 

Day 1 (today): 800 calories 

Day 2: 600 calories

Day 3: 400 calories

Day 4: 200 calories 

(Repeat) 

Also; I got my scale back and weighed myself for the first time in months today. Let's just say I'm extremely disgusted by how much I weigh. I don't even wanna know my BMI, I already know I'm overweight for my height. I wish I hadn't tried going into full recovery, i don't think I would've gained all this weight otherwise. 

quick stats for day 1;

height - 5'7"

current weight - 185 lbs

goal weight #1 - 150 lbs 

food; 

"breakfast" - no carb energy drink - 0 cals

lunch - diet sweet tea 20oz - 5 cals & chips - 280 cals

dinner - cheese sandwich (2 bread slices, 1 cheese slice, 1 tbs mayo) 255 cals & chips - 280 ?? 

& lots of water 

Hopefully I'll be able to quit the munching throughout the day, at least on unhealthy things. Next time I go out to the grocery store maybe I'll get baby carrots to munch instead, like the bunny I am 🐰

Re-Introduction

So I abandoned this blog completely in 2013, when I was 18 years old, but wasn't really active at that time either. I'm sure no one else here is active anymore or remembers my blog, but I'm starting new (again) and feel it's appropriate to re introduce myself since much has changed in the last 3-4 years. 

My name's Morgan, I'm 21 years old, going to be 22 in less than a month. I live in Las Vegas, and I have EDNOS. If you're not familiar with that, it's an "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" basically meaning that I fall neither here nor there on any specific eating disorder. To put it simply, I have a really bad relationship with food and weight loss. 

Since the last time I really updated, a lot has changed, obviously. I've graduated high school, I've been working at my current job for the last 3 years, I moved out of my parent's home, and I've come out as gay and genderfluid. I'm still struggling with the same eating problems though, but over the last few years I have gained A LOT of weight. When I was running this blog I was around 130 pounds, the last time I actually weighed myself, which was a few months ago, I was 170. I'm sure I weigh even more than that now, because I've been binging a hell of a lot more than restricting, but that's why I've come back to this blog. Updating here always kept me more in check so even if I'm writing to no one at all, I'll be here (hopefully) regularly. I'm not sure what my diet plan is going to be yet, but I'll make another post when I figure it out. My ultimate goal weight for now is 115 pounds. Wish me luck on my new journey (again)

Hello 2013

I know I'm a little late on resolutions, but better late than never. I was thinking about getting some diet pills to reduce my appetite because I have a tendency to eat when I'm bored. I was thinking Pure Green Coffee Bean pills but I haven't done much research on them yet. If anyone knows any weight loss pills that you've tried or you know that work, please let me know! xox