9:11pm

Liquid fasted all day and then.....bread and steak for dinner :( not the worst thing I could have eaten, I guess. Still frustrating though because I was doing well until then. Tomorrow I'll just go back to no-eating-after-3 and hope for the best. I'm running out of low-cal foods to eat though, I need to come up with a grocery list before we go shopping again. I'll be sure to post it on here once I figure it out. I like to snack mostly, so I want to figure out what some "healthy" snacks are that I could get to munch on throughout the day. 

That's why I've been considering starting smoking again, because I mostly bored eat & I just want something to keep my hands/mouth busy. So instead of eating and getting fatter, I'd rather eat less and die skinny. Either way, I'll be unhappy and die anyways right? 

11:33pm

I fucked up & I hate myself. Binged not only on alcohol, but food as well. I feel gross and over-stuffed. Won't be weighing in for a few days as it'll just discourage me. 

I was doing so well too until my partner came home with a bottle of tequila and a case of beer. Two shots in and I stuffed my belly full with two cans of spaghetti-oh's, which are like 500 calories PER CAN. Had bread with it as well. I'm not happy. I'll be water fasting tomorrow, I don't care how hard it is. 

10:53pm

Today was good! I did actually stop eating by 4pm (yeah it was supposed to be 3pm but I napped and slept past 3 so I ate when I woke up to reach 800 cals) I have had a couple cups of iced coffee with creamer since then though, but that's nothing major imo. It wasn't as hard to do as I thought it would be, eating that many calories all in the beginning of the day did seem to keep me from getting too hungry throughout the rest of the evening. But I'm kind of hyped on caffeine because of the coffee, so good thing I don't work early in the morning. I'll have to get some diet soda or juice to have instead of coffee now.

I never usually weigh-in at the end of the day but I did tonight and I was expecting to be more than what I weighed this morning (that's why I try to only weigh myself I the morning) but I'm actually a couple points below it. I came in at 181.8 so I'm really hoping to be down to 180 or lower by the morning weigh-in tomorrow!! 

I do feel a bit sick & lightheaded right now but I'm pretty sure it's from too much caffeine this late at night, along with lack of enough food. I'm gonna try to go to sleep in a bit, because I don't wanna end up late-night binging. 

Food;

Breakfast

- low carb monster - 25

- 1 bag popchips - 100

Lunch

- 2 frozen burritos - 600

- salsa - 10

Snack 

- lemon pepper tuna - 40

- sourdough slice - 105 

It's hard to estimate the coffee's calories so I'm just not going to add them to my total, unless I start measuring the exact amount of creamer I use per cup. Which I should probably start doing. I don't think I did too bad, although I did kind of beat myself up over having all 600 calories at once for lunch, when I could have at least split it into 300 calories for two different meals. Then I wouldn't have had the tuna on bread either. Lessons learned for next time though. 

7:22am

Today I'm trying something different, instead of the "2468" I want to try the "after 3pm" diet. You basically just get all your calories in before 3pm, and then stop eating after that. I'll be trying to stay between 600-900 calories each day, and I will be allowing myself to have liquid calories, like coffee, after 3pm. This is technically a "healthy" diet, I read about it on a few fit blogs and there's like a whole book written about it. Obviously the diet suggests you get your full "normal" calorie intake, like 12-1300 or whatever. I'm still restricting so I'm sticking to my goals. It'll probably be kind of hard since I usually binge/eat mostly in the evening, & I'm used to not eating sometimes until after noon/1pm. People have claimed rapid weight loss while doing this, so I'm hoping to see the same results. My weigh-in this morning was 182 flat, and I'm excited to see it drop below the 80's. Getting closer to my first weight goal everyday!

I'm hoping to become used to eating less and less so I can eventually step back into the ABC diet, which is my favorite tbh. It's really harsh but the calorie balance causes weight loss and no bloating. Your body doesn't try to retain all the fat it can when it realizes you're starving, I just need to get to a point where I know I'll be able to stick with the goals and be able to fast. 

9:32pm

Going to bed hungry tonight! I managed not to over-eat today and I'm pretty proud of myself?? I did not stay within my goal of 400, but I only went a little over 800, and honestly as long as I'm under 1,000 calories each day, I think I'm doing alright. I have work in the morning, so I'll be able to avoid any morning binges. My main goal right now is just to get used to eating less again, because I've just been letting myself gorge whenever I wanted to and I've gotten used to over-eating a LOT. That's why I'm not being too hard on myself, like I usually had been in the past. I would see any calorie over my goal as an immense failure, and it always discouraged me and made me binge more. Trying to stay positive and taking things slow, hopefully this different approach will be beneficial in the long run. 

I would've been closer to 800 I think had I not had coffee with creamer, again, but like I said, I'm not super worried about liquid calories right now anyways so I'm a little more lenient with myself. I weighed in this morning at 183.2, so there was a small drop in numbers. It's all just water weight and normal bloating coming off though, I want to see results in the mirror more than on the scale. 

Food; 

Breakfast

- 2 eggs w/ tbs salsa - 180  

- low carb monster energy - 25 

Lunch 

- bread & cheese - 280 

Dinner 

- Easy mac & cheese cup - 220

- Sourdough slice - 105 

- Coffee - est. 90 

& like I mentioned in the last post, to prevent a binge, I chewed-and-spit a small bowl of pasta. I'm sure that added a little extra calories since well, you can't really spit all of the food out. So gross. I don't know if I'll ever do that again, it made me sick to my stomach and I'm not a fan of feeling nauseous. Tomorrow's goal is supposed to be 200 but.......I couldn't even do 400 so......we'll see 

2:10pm

I'm struggling to control myself from binging. I can't keep myself distracted for long enough to stop thinking about eating. I made some pasta but I made myself chew-and-spit, which is fucking disgusting by the way like I don't recommend this but it helps me just get the satisfaction of taste and chewing food. It also makes me kind of nauseous afterwards so then I don't want to actually eat. But I'm obviously still gonna be hungry and I've hit my 400 calorie goal already, and it's only 2pm. I'm thinking about just trying to sleep for as long as possible for the rest of the afternoon, I need to break my binge habit. 

9:03pm

Alright so, counted calories, yes, stayed within my goal, no. I don't think I did outrageously horrid, but not as well as I would like. But again, trying not to discourage myself too much since it's just the beginning & I don't wanna make myself give up entirely. Really, I just had too much coffee and splurged on a beer with dinner. An extra light beer, mind you. But I would rather gorge on liquid calories than solid. Makes me feel a little less disgusting. 

I was really feeling the hunger pains after I got home from work this evening, since I hadn't had anything but caffeine really until then. Working makes it easier to not eat throughout most of the day. I'm worried about how I'll do tomorrow because I have the day off. I'll need to keep myself preoccupied with various things to stay away from food & stay distracted from hunger. Now I'm kind of grateful for the fact that I have very few days off, I wouldn't know what to do with myself and do nothing but binge. Hoping I'll be able to just chomp on ice all day & trick myself into thinking I'm eating. 

Stats are essentially exactly the same, as expected. Weighed in at exactly 186. I didn't expect to see any weight loss after one day. Hopefully my liquid cal splurges don't hurt me too much tomorrow. I need to get some diet soda. 

Food;

Breakfast - coffee with creamer - cals ?? Est. 105 

also binged on the last of my bag of chips, not good

Lunch - Zero Calorie Monster Energy - 0 cals

Snack - bread with cheese - 175 cals & more coffee - 90 cals

Dinner - 6oz Sirloin - Est. 340 cals - extra light beer - 148 cals 

My total was well over 600, calculated an estimated 1200 because of the morning binge & unneeded empty calories throughout. I like to over-estimate though rather than under, I feel like I'm lying to myself if I round the numbers down. Still going to continue tomorrow and try for a 400 goal. Trying to stay positive about it so I don't go into it already believing I'm gonna fail. Wish me luck, I suppose 

8:32pm

Today's restriction was decent, I did kind of munch here and there on chips but I still monitored the calories & I didn't go over 800/900 (which was my goal for today) since I'm just trying to slowly start to get back into the groove of harsher restricting, so I'm not going to punish myself too much if I go a bit over my goals. I haven't had enough self-control (& was trying to "recover") for the last couple of years, to be strict with my diets & intake, so its gonna be a little rough to discipline myself again. I also redownloaded the MyFitnessPal app which is my favorite to track calories, intake & burned, it also counts my steps per day and takes off the estimated calories burned which is cool. 

But the reason I've decided to give up on trying to recover is because I've been severely depressed for a really long time, whether I'm restricting or trying to eat normally, I'm always tired, lethargic, and unhappy. So I figure if I'm gonna be depressed no matter what, I might as well try to lose weight so I can at least have control of something & be a little bit happier looking at myself in the mirror. Besides, trying to self-recover is hellish and I've come up unsuccessful anyways, obviously.

Anyways, since I started out today at 800 ish, I suppose I'll try to keep up with the 2468 diet, but in reverse. So I'll be doing 8642. I haven't decided if I want to fast after 200 or not, I feel like that would be a bad idea and I don't think I'm ready to jump back into that game yet. 

If you're reading this and would like to follow along with me on my calorie intakes per day here's what I'll be doing for now: 

Day 1 (today): 800 calories 

Day 2: 600 calories

Day 3: 400 calories

Day 4: 200 calories 

(Repeat) 

Also; I got my scale back and weighed myself for the first time in months today. Let's just say I'm extremely disgusted by how much I weigh. I don't even wanna know my BMI, I already know I'm overweight for my height. I wish I hadn't tried going into full recovery, i don't think I would've gained all this weight otherwise. 

quick stats for day 1;

height - 5'7"

current weight - 185 lbs

goal weight #1 - 150 lbs 

food; 

"breakfast" - no carb energy drink - 0 cals

lunch - diet sweet tea 20oz - 5 cals & chips - 280 cals

dinner - cheese sandwich (2 bread slices, 1 cheese slice, 1 tbs mayo) 255 cals & chips - 280 ?? 

& lots of water 

Hopefully I'll be able to quit the munching throughout the day, at least on unhealthy things. Next time I go out to the grocery store maybe I'll get baby carrots to munch instead, like the bunny I am 🐰

Re-Introduction

So I abandoned this blog completely in 2013, when I was 18 years old, but wasn't really active at that time either. I'm sure no one else here is active anymore or remembers my blog, but I'm starting new (again) and feel it's appropriate to re introduce myself since much has changed in the last 3-4 years. 

My name's Morgan, I'm 21 years old, going to be 22 in less than a month. I live in Las Vegas, and I have EDNOS. If you're not familiar with that, it's an "Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified" basically meaning that I fall neither here nor there on any specific eating disorder. To put it simply, I have a really bad relationship with food and weight loss. 

Since the last time I really updated, a lot has changed, obviously. I've graduated high school, I've been working at my current job for the last 3 years, I moved out of my parent's home, and I've come out as gay and genderfluid. I'm still struggling with the same eating problems though, but over the last few years I have gained A LOT of weight. When I was running this blog I was around 130 pounds, the last time I actually weighed myself, which was a few months ago, I was 170. I'm sure I weigh even more than that now, because I've been binging a hell of a lot more than restricting, but that's why I've come back to this blog. Updating here always kept me more in check so even if I'm writing to no one at all, I'll be here (hopefully) regularly. I'm not sure what my diet plan is going to be yet, but I'll make another post when I figure it out. My ultimate goal weight for now is 115 pounds. Wish me luck on my new journey (again)