I've finally began to feel that " losing weight" feeling. you know the one when you haven't eaten and you get an empty and dizzy sick feeling. yeah, that one. I love that feeling more than anything. I don't get dizzy and dehydrated on purpose, of course. but when I do I really feel like I'm actually doing something with my body. some people would die if they had to feel this way all the time. but I'd rather feel sick everyday than be fat.

anyways, I've found yet another way to keep from eating. I drink tons and tons of water. usually ice water so that my metabolism speeds up and I don't eat. I drink so much water that I get a little sick and I don't want to eat. so calories are burned from the cold water and I'm not taking in calories because the water made me "full".
good tip, no? :)

so, as you know, my past ana buddies haven't worked out. well, I know a girl who've i've actually kinda known for a while, and has the same ideas on getting thin. aaand she lives like next door to me. I couldn't ask for anything better. this will probably bring us even closer. she's also one of the few I've even told about my "disorder"

I hope this one works out.

a bunch of bullshit drama has been going on. I really couldn't care less what people say about me, and it's a distraction from eating. so it's a win/win for me. I lose weight and I get the pleasure of them trying to hurt my feelings.

but anyways, i've also been staying up later. although it gives me more time to binge, it burns more calories. so it's a 50/50. I just have to have selfcontrol. which isn't hard anymore. I can have food right in front of me for hours, and I won't be tempted to eat once. it's a slow process, but it happened. well, the selfcontrol, I mean.

I've recently discovered that I can semi fulfill my hunger by chewing the food, but spitting it out. I get the satisfaction of the taste of the food, but no guilty full stomach.

I basically trick myself into thinking I'm eating, when obviously I'm not. you could probably "eat" whatever you want. I still stay on my strict diet because I don't want to risk letting in any extra calories. that's the last thing I want.

I have also recently been thinking about taking laxatives every so often to clear everything out of my system. I haven't looked to much into them because I've had an odd fear of laxs for a long time. I guess I'm afraid of getting like embarrassing diarrea or something. totally ridiculous, but it's a true fear. the fear of fat overpowers that by 100% though. I'm willing to try anything to lose weight. even if it means overcoming a long held fear.

I HATE MCDONALD'S!!!!

why don't they have a "nutritional" menu like most places? in time of need for people like me, we need that nutritional stuff! even their salads are covered in fatty shit. there isn't a single low-cal item there. no matter what, you'll go over your calories if you eat there. unless you try to just eat a small fry as if you're "not hungry". which I never am when I go there. that place isn't very appetizing. but what food is?

anyways, I'm back on my strict diet of no more than 200-400 cals a day. I sort of managed to stay in that range today, but obviously mcdonalds and my boyfriend got in the way of that.

ugh.

I have a boyfriend, and I'm at his house pretty often. but it's hard being there because he's aware of my "diet" and he forces me to eat as often as possible. these few days I'm there throw off my whole plan.

I don't want to, but I might have to see him less to successfully continue my "diet". I know it kills him to know how I feel about myself and how he opposes of my choices, but it's for my benefit. I'll be "better" once I'm happy with myself. this drastic change is for the best. believe me, if I could diet normally, I would. but that doesn't work fast enough for me. it doesn't give me the results I want.

I apologize to anyone I hurt along my own selfish journey. but it must be done.

I know I haven't posted in quite a while, but I've been pretty busy. trying to stay sane, finding my motivation again, best friend drama. you know, same old. but I was recently watching a show called My Life as Liz and she seriously gave me instant thinspiration.





she's the one on the left. I tried finding a better photo of her body, but if you've seen the show you know how tiny she is. she's my new role model. my new goal is to be as small, maybe even thinner than her.
you'll see. I'll be thinner than ever.

These past four days have been hell.
I completely gave up on myself and binged four days in a row. FOUR DAYS.
That may not be that much to you, but that's a whole 3-4 pounds I could've lost. but instead I let food get the best of me.
I'm starting over.
I'm not going to eat anymore than 200 cals a day for the next two weeks.
Probabaly more than that. I need to be punished. I need to learn that food is thy enemy. I'm only going to eat to stay alive.
food = fat.
fat = ugly.
and no one wants to be ugly.