so I'm in love,

and I'm letting my guard down.
my boyfriend and I had a very emotional talk last night. we talked for hours, and he broke my heart in so many ways. He told me he feels like I don't care about him or trust him enough to let him in. I never tell anyone what I'm thinking or how I feel and this guy walks into my life and wants me to share everything with him. that's not gonna happen that easily. it's so hard for me to open up to people because I'm afraid they'll turn around and use it against me. I've had that happen way too many times. but he reassured me and promised me and cried over me. The last time he cried was over his dad when he was eight. I never imagined I'd have such an impact on someone. I'm nothing special. I'm just as broken as he is. He says he wants to know everything about me. He promises he'll make me so happy one day, I'll never have to cry again. and I just might believe him. He's made me the happiest I've been in a very long time. I don't even remember the last time I was this happy with my life. I may make some really stupid decisions when I'm with him, but I don't regret a thing. He wears his heart on his sleeve and I only wish I could do that. He doesn't know anything about me. I tell him I don't think my thoughts and feelings are important enough to share. He says he doesn't care. He just wants to hear me talk and wants to listen. We understand each other. I only hope this lasts.

cigarettes and alcohol.

I started smoking again. not the best choice, but if I'm killing my body by starving it, may as well kill it with cancer too. but it's really been helping me stop eating. I don't get cigarettes often though because I have no money, no lighter, and my mom hides her purse. but the new group of kids I've been hanging with are not the best influences. I just hope I don't start rolling with them and all the other shit they do. I drank and got drunk last night. bad. but my parents didn't know. I came home around 11 and crashed in my bed like immediately. I feel like I've been neglecting my old friends though. but they understand.
anyways, I haven't been on a scale in a very long time, but I haven't been eating really anything for the past like 5 or more days. so that's good. maybe these kids aren't bad influences after all. ha.
but I hope everyone is doing well.
xoxo

lazy Sunday.

I've been in bed all day today due to a piercing headache. but it's lovely and raining outside and I've been listening to bright eyes. I have eaten anything but a little this morning. last night was long. homecoming. I looked nice and I'm down a dress size, so I didn't dread shopping like I usually do. I wore 3 inch heels for the first time. I felt so tall and my feet were killing me but I felt pretty in them. it's getting dark and my parents are probably wondering why I haven't left my room today. I'll probably grab some tea and continue to have a cold, and beautiful evening. I hope everyone is just as relaxed as me tonight.
I love you all. xoxo.