Thanks for the support, bitch.

One little comment and it can completely change my mood. My whole day can be ruined because that one little comment keeps coming back and circulating in my brain.
I may say I don't care what people think or what they say, but in reality it's all I can think about. All you stupid fat bitches can kiss my sweet ass.
Now I remember why I hate girls so much.
I'm pretty sure this blog is over.
You can stop wasting your time on my existence.

xoxo

sorry!

Sorry I haven't been on recently. Just busy.
Things aren't going so great, though.
I'm really trying to figure myself out right now.
Trying to figure out what I want out of life.
But I'll try my hardest to stay up to date and keep you updated!
Love you guys so much!
Stay strong!
xoxo

Home, Sweet Home.

I'm going back to my home of Las Vegas today and I couldn't be more thrilled! Today is my restart day. I don't care what happens, or what people think, I'm not eating. at all. I'll probably go a a 48 hour fast, if I can manage. If not, then I'll stay under 500-400cals. I'm leaving for the five hour trip in about an hour, and until about noon, I'll have no way of eating. And at home I'll be busy cleaning, unpacking, and dyeing my hair. Home is gonna do me good :)

xoxo

Just fucking fabulous!

you can add another 210 calories to my already tremendous 828!!!! Mom went to McDonald's and got me a strawberry banana smoothie (small) and I sucked it down like my life depended on it!

what the hell is my problem??
I did unthinking, too. I was like, oh! smoothie!
sluuurp.
FATFATFAT.
and my stupid "e" button is sticking on the damn keyboard! UGH!

xoxo

Day one.

Today went well, for the most part. I had 828 calories total. Better than usual. We had an unexpected trip to Olive Garden and I had a few too many breadsticks. Hopefully the night doesn't bring on any sweets.

Food Log
Breakfast:
1 slice sourdough bread: 110cals.
1 cup of water: 0cals.

Lunch:
Turkey sandwhich: 168 cals.
mustard: 0cals.
bread: 110cals.
turkey: 55cals.
pickles: 3cals.

Dinner:
Minestroni Soup: 100cals.
3 Breadsticks: 450cals. (damn!!)

Tottal: 828cals.

I would've done so good if I didn't have those stupid breadsticks!

xoxo

The Spine Song.

And you're down for the count,
You are dancing with men going 'round and around.
And you're scared and you're sure
That your spine will dissolve,
You will fall to the floor.
You will take what you need
And the headaches will come,
But at least you can breathe.
There's the smoke, fills your lungs
We will wait for the day
We'll rejoice when it comes.

On your birthday you woke up,
The snow was on the ground
You opened books and peeked inside,
They kissed you on your crown.

With pins in your fingers,
You held yourself up high.
The picture peeled the person,
They let themselves divide.

You arrive at the place
It is not what you want,
but it is what you chase.
So you don't have to hold
All of the candles that burn on their own.
You will steal all the smells
That cut through your nose
And excite all your cells.
When it's time to escape,
You realize you've waited until it's too late.

But your birthday inflated
The bones with which you creep.
They stole your shoes and brought you to
The caverns of their teeth.
You pleaded, "Oh kind sir,
Please let me say goodbye."
Your soul ripped from your stomach,
You gave an awful cry.

And when I have died,
Will you use my spine
To swing from tree to tree in search of
Places pleasing to the eye?

I said, "I'm sorry, dear."
But you don't listen.
You silly little girl.

Easy as ABC

i'm starting the ABC diet again with my friend tayler :) It'll be easy for me. He's a first timer though. BUT! I did not encourage. He made the decision on his own. I made it very clear that I'm against anyone being a self-starver. It fucks with your mind.

anyways, I'll replace my goals with the ana boot camp chizz since I can't seem to cross any of those off the list.

love you, babydolls!

xoxo

ohh my.

This is my friend, Meg.


I wish I looked like her. She's tiny and doesn't even really work for it.
But she runs and swims for hours and hours every day.
I'm going to start running in the evening as soon as I get home.
I need to be smaller before school starts up again.
I'm also dying my hair black, not blonde.

Anyways, I'm happy being single. But I'm still not doing my best. Family being around 24/7, people start to notice that you're turning down every meal and not eating throughout the day. I don't eat breakfast or lunch, but dinner and snacks in between are eaten. Hopefully my busy schedule will keep me from eating when I go home. I'm going home on monday, by the way. Early morning. 5 hours in a car. Not looking forward. But my mom doesn't stop for food on road trips like my dad does, so it's not too bad.
Ugh. wish me luck.

xoxo

it's over.

So me and boyfriend are officially over. There's no going back now. And honestly, I have great relief. We're still going to be close with each other and now I'll be able to completely self starve. There's no excuses anymore. If I fuck up, it's my own fault. I can't blame others anymore. I'm taking control.

xoxo

soo.

Me and boyfriend are taking a break. I need time to myself. Time to think, get things straight, get everything back on track. I think this break will make things a lot better for me and he promised to let me watch my calories. So I'm happy with things right now, even though he's not thrilled with the idea of a break because there's a possibility that I won't get back with him. But this is all for the best.

Anyways, has anyone been watching the show Huge on abc fam? It's about like these people in a fat camp. i love it. It makes me feel good about myself. Makes me not want food. And it's on tonight. I missed the second episode :/ anyone happen to catch it?

And I've been doing aquatic exercises. 22 minutes of certain workouts in the pool burns almost 300 cals. :) I also haven't eaten much today (: Or last night. I've been a good girl. It's about time. I always feel much better when I don' eat. Eating gives me horrible stomach pains and guilt. I'd rather have hunger pains. I can deal with that.

I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't really had the chance to read everyone's posts, but I'm doing my best!
love you, babydolls!

xoxo

party party party. food food food.

All these birthdays are ruining my restriction. I'm expected to eat around my family. Luckily, they don't say much if I don't eat much. So I had a little pasta salad and a veggie burger. Not too bad, I guess. I'd have liked it to be less , though. I really need to get my groove back. It's like a never ending cycle of lose weight, binge, lose weight, binge. And that little tiny binge fucks everything up!
I hate you, food. I truly hate you.

And I've been so damn bored, I've gone out of my mind and filling up time by eating. UGH. I resisted cake though :) I'm very proud. Although, I never really have liked cake. Or sweets. So it's not that hard. While everyone stuffs their belly's fat, I starve mine thin.

Anyways, I'm going home next weekend and I'd like to be a lot thinner before I go home. I have about a week. I feel stupid though, because I'M the own holding myself back from being skinny. It doesn't make sense. I want it so badly, yet the only thing standing in my way, is me.
God, I'm tired of these wars in my head.
I just want to be happy...and thin :)

xoxo

let's start today on the right foot.

I have been avoiding the kitchen this morning because most of my binges are in the morning. I don't know why, but I can eat like 10 pounds of food in the morning. So today I'm not leaving this room until 1pm. Then I won' be as hungry, and won't binge. I'm still not quite comfortable in my bikini. I have a ways to go.
And it's killing me not having a scale. I have no idea what I'm at, I can't see if I've reached goals. I have no way of making progress, basically. Maybe I'll buy my own. Without my parents knowing. They'd think something was wrong..
But I might be going to see my old friends in my home town today. I'm excited (: and pretty proud of myself for talking her out of going to lunch.

Anyways, no morning binge today. it's already noon, so I'm in the clear. I rarely binge in the afternoon, or at night. Well I had a night binge yesterday because me and boyfriend almost broke up. I was the one doing the breaking up and I still was depressed. But we're good today. For now. I told him if the fighting between us doesn't decrease, then we're done. I can't handle all the fighting. It's stressful.
Hopefully I don't have to do anything that hurts him. But I feel like we're going nowhere.

But anyways, I hope everyone has a beautiful day<3
stay strong!

xoxo

yay new thinspo :D

Oh, don't you love moms?

My mother is such a fucking flake! UGH.
I hate her. HATE her.
and I'm almost 100% certain she hates me too. always has.
FUCK HER.
d;;gfadlksjf$uweribjlksd*&@bnvkd!!

asdfghjkl;

uggggggggggggggggggggggggh.
This is going terribly! First thing that happens when I get here, my mom takes me food shopping and she makes me get a shit load of fatass foods. I've been at my aunts house for the whole week and I've been bored out of my mind! Eating and watching movies ALL FUCKING DAY.
My mother is picking me up today. I'm alone right now, babysitting my baby cousin. I'm so happy that I'll be leaving here and going back to my grandmother's house. It'll be 10x easier restricting there.
I watched the movie "The best little girl in the world" and it was good. Not exactly thinspo material, but it was okay for the most part. It mainly showed the bads of ana. I want to read the book, so I'm saving up money to buy a bunch of books on amazon. Examples: Thin, Purge, Secong Star to the Right, and a bunch more.
Any reccomendations? :)

I was also thinking about dying my hair blonde. Well, bleaching it. I wish you knew what I looked like so I could ask your opinion. But I have light brown hair with blonde highlights (natural). And if I don't like it I can just dye it black again. I've dyed my hair like a million times and more. Red, purple, black, dark brown, pink, and now I want blonde. I was also thinking of doing the underneath black.
Buuuuut anyways, tomorrow is my restart point. I'll be good, I promise :)

OH, and I'm not prego, btw. I'm very happy to say I got my period like last week or something. It was late, but I think it's because of ana.

I love you guys!
stay strong, starve on!
xoxo