I started the ABC diet yesterday. I don't normally do 'diets' but I don't want my body to go into starvation mode. I started out fine with the 500 day one calorie intake. but today I went over a whole 100 cals. I'm extremely disappointed in myself. The guilt is overpowering. I don't know why I over eat, knowing that it will make me feel this way. I hate binges. I hate fat. I hate food.

On another note, I learned that a banana is over 100 cals. That stupid thing is what made me go over my calories in the first place. Who would have known? I guess it was my own fault. I have the Myfitnesspal app. and I usually add what I'm going to eat to my diary before I eat it. That way I can tell if I can eat it or not.

But I can tell I'm losing weight. My pants are getting too big and my pelvic bone is starting to be more noticable. I love the feeling. I wish I had a scale, though. I might invest in one soon. But I don't want to become addicted to weighing myself. It's not very healthy. HA! As if this whole thing is healthy?
sighsighsighsigh.

I wish I didn't have an addictive personality.
First, it was food. Then I got fat. Now it's an addiction to losing weight.
ooh the life.

I've struggled with weight my whole life. I was always the fat girl in class. I out weighed all of my friends. A few years ago I got control of my weight. And soon enough I became obsessed with it.

I fear being called fat. I fear the word fat itself. I hate what I see in the mirror and everyday I wish I could look like the girls on tv, or the magazines. I idolize anyone who is remotely thinner than me. And lately, that's been everyone. I look around and see small girls and I feel like a fat tub of lard. I've become so self-conscious about it. I would do anything to be thin.

When I get compliments from people telling me I look good, or it looks like I've lost weight, that only makes me strive for skinny even more. I'm at a whopping 135 lbs. I could cry at this weight. I'm about 5'7" and this weight is completely unexceptable.

It's hard for me to hide my disorder because my family is big on eating meals together. And people at school start to notice my weight change. When I do eat, I only do it around company so that no one can say they never see me eat. I eat slowly so I stay at the same pace as everyone and eat less. It's still a daily struggle, not only to hide it, but to keep from passing out. I try to stay hydrated so that I don't have black-outs, or worse, faint. Nothing is worse than fainting in public. It gives away the whole thing, and you're in recovery being monitered weekly to maintain a "healthy" weight.

I'm trying my hardest to drop down 35-45 pounds in four to five months. It should go well if I stick to my diet. I've recently began the 2468 diet and I fast between cycles. It seems to be working, but it's been hard for me not to binge on the fourth day. I may go back to eating every other day, or eating no more than 200cals. a day. It's really hard.

But do not assume I am some wannarexic. I have been going through weight problems since the 3rd grade. I don't blame anyone but myself for this person I have become. So all you normal and healthy beings, stop complaining and go eat a sandwich. I would do anything to be comfortable with my body. I would give anything to be mentally stable with my self-image. I look in the mirror and see a disgusting, bloated person. And I hate it. I wish I could see myself for who I really am.

Dropping so much weight in little time will be hard. But if they can do it on the Biggest Loser the healthy way, then I can do it my way. A good long fasting and a lot of exercise should do the trick.

I just think I need some motivation of some sort. Some THINspiration. I just need to stay strong and not let food control my life like it has in the past. I'm so terrified of gaining weight again. I just can't go through with the ridicule and judgement. People look at you so differently when you're fat. But when you're thin, you're admired. People look up to you, no matter how "unhealthy" you may be. The feeling of being hungry is amazing to me. I love it. I take it in and embrace it. The feeling of guilt and bloating and fatness after eating is not worth it. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels."